Chapter 10
(Sweet Riesling Wine)
I snatched the envelope and looked down at the red, wax seal holding the parchment shut. It had a small inscription around the circle with a big hollow tree trunk in the middle. If I didn’t know who it belonged to, I probably would’ve admired the thing.
“That’s his seal,” Babble yawned. “I know all of the seals in Hagop. I wouldn’t be much of a businessman if I didn’t have them memorized.”
“Well, then, let’s take a look at what this letter says,” I replied.
I broke the seal in half and pulled a surprisingly large letter out of the envelope. I unfolded the letter and was surprised to find that it was practically decorated with streams of curly dwarfish handwriting.
“Mr. Newcomer,” I read aloud and then squinted at the rest of the writing.
“Well?” Babble asked as he bounced from side to side.
“Umm, Babble,” I said as I tried to make out the writing. “This is, uh… this is almost impossible to decipher. The letters are tiny, and they’re connected to each other in a way that I’ve never even seen before.”
“Hand it over here,” Babble offered, and I gave him the letter so he could squint at it.
“Hmmm, perhaps they’re right,” he murmured to himself. “Yes, yes… humans really don’t have the deft and nimble penmanship that us smaller creatures possess.”
“Hey!” I protested. “I have great penmanship, but I’ve never seen writing like this!”
“Well, it’s quite simple for a gnome,” he said. “The letter reads:
Dear Mr. Newcomer,
After sighting you at both the grain farm and the hops farm, it has become clear to me that your intention is to brew beer in Hagop. And not only any beer. According to the good Pyotr House, current Beer Master of Hagop, your plan is to brew the best beer.
You can imagine that when I heard this, my ears felt like they had been burned. This is not a territory that humans usually pass into, and even though there are no stated laws that would prohibit your participation in beer brewing, it is an unspoken rule that humans do not show so much audacity.
Because of your impertinence, I could not collect adequate hops for my beer, and for this, you will pay. I will make it my mission to ensure that you are just as inconvenienced as me for this brewing season.
If you don’t offer the return of my hops in good will, you will be going directly in my grudge book. Do not take this lightly.
Welcome to Hagop, newcomer.
Sincerely,
Cassian”
“Ohhh, noooesss,” I said. “Not the ‘grudge book!’ You snooze, you lose, Cassian.”
“I’m not familiar with the phrase,” Babble said. “But it appears to me that he lost out on the hops because he was asleep, just like you said.”
“Exactly,” I said. “Plus, adequate hops? He could just get some hops from one of the other farmers. He’s just pissed off that I got the best. Either way, wasn’t the season ending? If he cared so much, he would’ve gotten them earlier.”
“Precisely,” Babble shrugged. “But I’m not the one you have to convince. And dwarves are famously stubborn creatures. You’re not going to be able to tell him that he has made the mistake and that it’s not your fault.”
“Well, that’s immature,” I answered.
“It’s just dwarves,” Babble said. “This is how they work, this is how they’ve always worked, and this is how they will continue to do so. Alright?”
“Fine,” I sighed. “But what does this mean? A grudge book? Is that just a turn of phrase? Because I’ve never heard of anything as dumb as that.”
“A grudge book is no light matter, Tyler,” Babble shook his head. “Every dwarf keeps a grudge book.”
“Sounds like a burn book,” I said. “That’s something that thirteen-year-old girls have back in my town. It’s where they write down the names of all the girls they hate and why they’re unpopular.”
“Ha!” Babble laughed out loud. “No, no… this is far worse, Tyler. A grudge book is like having a personalized curse written for you. It’s a commitment to the writer that no matter what happens, he will keep pursuing you until he gets what he wants.”
“Hmmm…” I looked at the letter again. They’d never seen anyone like me in this town, nobody close to it. And I didn’t care if I was in this guy’s book, because at the end of the day, I had gotten those hops through fair means. Just because he was too lazy to jump on them didn’t mean that I had to suffer as well.
“I’m not handing the hops over,” I shrugged. “If he wanted them, he should’ve pursued them earlier. I mean, what would you do, Babble? I won this round fair and square. I bet that you wouldn’t back down to a deal that you won fair and square.”
The gnome shifted between his feet, but he started to nod very slowly.
“Okay,” he said. “You’re right, I wouldn’t back down, either. You can’t let the bullies win. But… you should be worried about being in his grudge book. He’s going to do everything in his power to come after you, Tyler. The dwarves don’t play around when it comes to grudges.”
“Neither do I,” I said. “I won’t be the fall guy for his stupidity. If he thinks I’m just going to lay down and let him attack me, then he’s in for a surprise. I’ll knock him down so fast he won’t know what hit him. And seriously, he isn’t even the best brewer in Hagop. You said so yourself, so why should I just give in to his demands?”
“You sure you don’t have grudge books where you’re from?” the gnome chuckled. “Because you certainly sound like you have one. How do you even let someone know you’re angry at them?”
“I’m an American, Babble,” I replied. “We sue people in court. But I’m perfectly happy to do this the Hagop way and beat the crap out of Cassian if he doesn’t back down.”
“No need to get worked up,” the gnome said.
“Look,” I sighed. “Back home, there was no way I could live my dream of being a brewer. There were already tons of companies making amazing beer, and there was no way I could find the money to even get started. But Hagop has given me that second chance, and I’m not going to let some bitch dwarf take that from me, especially over something that’s his own damn fault.”
“You’re very brave, Tyler,” Babble said. “Most people aren’t willing to fight a dwarf.”
“Yeah, well, most people around here aren’t six feet tall either,” I said. “I’m making my beer, Babble, and I’m using the hops we bought from Farmer Gold to do it.”
“Fine,” Babble huffed. “But… just be careful. If you’re in someone’s grudge book, you’ll have to be on constant alert. You never know when they might strike.”
“Well, I don’t think most criminals are nice enough to send you advance warning,” I snickered.
“I’m scared, Tyler,” Babble admitted. “I’ve only been in one grudge book before, and it almost cost me my life. I wouldn’t take this as a light threat.”
“I’m not taking it lightly,” I assured him. “I guess I just don’t understand how he can get away with blaming us for his own poor behavior. If he’d gotten there before us, I wouldn’t have put him in my… grudge book.”
“I’ve told you before, dwarves take their beer making seriously,” the gnome replied.
“So do I,” I replied. “And you know what? This guy deserves to come in third place if he can’t even drag his ass to the farm to get his hops. I just got here, and I managed to beat him to it. He’s not going to get to the hops, and he isn’t going to get to us, either.”
Babble gave me a wide-eyed look and nodded. He might’ve been my employer, but I knew that he trusted me in a way that he hadn’t trusted anyone else in Hagop.
After all, I was very large, and I’d already managed to save him from drunken elves and slobbering dogs.
“But how are we going to keep the hops safe?” Babble asked. “This place is only a barn. He’ll be able to get in here. I can assure you, he’s already making plans to steal it back if he has to.”
“Let’s ask Hildegard,” I said and started down the steps. “Maybe she has a lock we could use on the barn.
“Like a lock would stop a dwarf,” the gnome mumbled as he ran after me.
“Hildegard?” I called out as soon as I entered the tavern. “Are you up yet?”
“I am,” she called from the backroom. “Do you need breakfast already?”
“I wouldn’t mind some food,” Babble said hopefully.
“Could you come out here for a moment?” I called back. “I need your help.”
The innkeeper appeared in the doorway a moment later, which made me wonder if she’d been lurking nearby. Her dark hair had been braided into a single plait behind her head and tied with a dark green bow that blended with the wine-red dress she wore. She stepped into a shaft of light, and she suddenly looked like she was glowing.
“Morning, boys,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting to see you up this early, Babble.”
“We have terrible, terrible news,” the gnome wailed, and he fell to his knees and shook his head. “Our Tyler has been… well… he’s in a grudge book!”
Hildegard looked between the tiny gnome and me and rolled her eyes.
“Only the creatures have grudge books,” she sighed. “Not the humans. But Tyler, I’d watch out. Dwarves take their grudges seriously.”
“So Babble tells me,” I said.
“Maybe you should explain this to me,” she said. “If it’s a regular customer, I might be able to talk him out of it. Everyone wants my favor in this town. Well, at least the drunks do.”
“I don’t think there’s much you can do in this case,” I said and shrugged. “Not that I doubt your authority. But it’s Cassian. We took the last of the best hops, and he wants us to give them to him. It’s either that or I’m going in the book.”
“Cassian,” Hildegard nodded, and her eyes widened. “Well, he hasn’t done as well as he would’ve liked in probably every beer festival he’s ever entered. He’s usually third or fourth. And I can imagine that Pyotr House doesn’t care about someone like you entering the brewing scene, so he won’t find any support there.”
“Exactly,” I nodded. “But it’s his own fault he didn’t get there in time to buy the hops. If he’d gone out an hour earlier, we’d be the ones searching for the last of the flowers.”
“But these are dwarves, not rational men like yourself,” Hildegard replied. “Their honor is tied to winning. If they don’t win, then they don’t have any honor, and that’s the worst thing in the world for a dwarf.”
“So, a sore loser,” I huffed. “Look, I don’t need him to like me. In fact, I’d be fine if we never had to see each other ever again. But Babble thinks he’ll try to go after the hops or the beer, so I need to make sure it’s protected.”
Hildegard’s eyes wandered to the barn and then back to me.
“I may have a key and a padlock,” she said. “Give me a moment, and I’ll go see if I can find it.”
As Hildegard retreated into the back, I looked down at the tiny gnome, who was still kneeling on the ground for some reason.
“Babble, get up,” I said. “We’re finding a solution, okay? We’re out of the problem phase and into the solution phase.”
“But I don’t want to be in a grudge book,” he pleaded. “For Hagop’s sake, Tyler, look at how small I am! Do you think I can stand up to an angry dwarf with a stature like this? I’m… I’m practically a flea!”
It kind of reminded me of a three-year-old having a tantrum, and I didn’t know if it was because of his size or because of the emotions he was expressing.
“Oh, Babble, don’t be so fatalistic,” I rolled my eyes. “You have me as your bodyguard, and I won’t let anything happen to you. I absolutely promise.”
Hildegard reappeared in what felt like seconds holding a large brass key in one hand and a fist-sized padlock in the other.
“This is for the barn,” she said. “Don’t lose the key, because there isn’t another one. I’m trusting you Tyler, okay? I don’t usually trust my occupants with the keys, but I feel like I can make an exception in this case because you’re so… well… exceptional.”
She blushed and handed the key and lock over to me. The set looked much smaller in my hands than it did in hers, but I knew that I would keep it safe. After all, it was the key to all of my prospects as a brewer in Hagop.
“I’ll guard it with my life,” I told her. “Trust me, this is important. And I won’t let that shithead dwarf get the best of us. We’re a team, aren’t we?”
“Yes, yes we are,” Babble said as he brushed himself off.
“I’m not part of your brewing crew, so I don’t care that much about the beer,” Hildegard pointed out. “But I don’t want any angry dwarves on my property. Hagop knows that I see enough of that on a normal working day. Now, is there anything else you need me for?”
“Nothing at all, Ma’am,” I said, and for some reason I bowed my head. “By the way, seeing as you trust me with the keys… will you let me call you Hilly?”
“Ha!” she laughed. “You haven’t even been here a week. I’ve known patrons for years that aren’t allowed to call me Hilly. As I said, when you prove your beer is what you say it is, we can talk.”
She turned on her heel, flounced her skirt, and disappeared into the back once again. She made a lot of noise as she moved around in the backroom, which seemed to be a signal that we were dismissed.
“See?” I said and looked down at Babble. “That was easy.”
“That dwarf is still out there, though,” he said. “And I have a collection to make today.”
“Do you want me with you?” I asked. “I mean, now that I’m in his grudge book.”
“All the more reason to have you with me,” he sighed. “As perverse as that sounds.”
“Then I’ll just go lock the barn,” I said as I headed for the door.
“If you’re lucky we’ll get in a scuffle,” Babble called after me. “Because you’re burning through your silver.”
I grinned as I drew the doors closed and slipped the padlock through the handles. I realized then why the thing was so large, because a normal padlock would not have fit across both handles. I gave it a quick tug to make sure it was locked, tucked the key in my pocket, and then returned to the tavern where the gnome was waiting for me.
“Alright, give me the brief,” I said as I stepped inside. “Just so I know exactly what it is that I’m getting into.”
“Just a moment,” Babble muttered.
He struggled to get the small leather-bound book out of his back pocket, and for a moment, I was worried it would tear. But he finally had it out, and he flipped past several pages before he found the one he wanted. He grunted as he read the contents, and then his face lit up like a birthday cake.
“So this is a good one?” I asked.
“Of course,” he chortled. “We’re going to a wine cellar. We’re going to the Guthry Wine Cellar, to be exact, to collect three hundred silver from Mr. Guthry. That elf hates me, by the way.”
“I wouldn’t imagine any less,” I sighed, and Babble shot me a hurt look. “Not that you aren’t charming, Babble. But these elves seem to be a little shifty. And the dwarves do, too. In fact, does anyone run an honest business around here?”
“Hildegard,” Babble shrugged. “She’s a very honest business owner.”
“Right,” I nodded. “So we’re going to hassle some elves in a wine cellar? Easy.”
It might’ve just been my bloodlust from the letter I’d just received, but I imagined an avalanche of red wine flowing from smashed bottles in a small cellar. I imagined the pale elven hair dyed completely burgundy, and sopping wet clothes that would never be clean. I was pissed that so many creatures in this town seemed so petty, especially when it was such a wonderful place. But I knew that I was going to protect my employer at all costs, because I was a stand-up guy, even if no one else was.After all, my little friend had supported me this far, and he was part of my team. And it seemed like there was a lot of tricky business here in Hagop, so having the gnome on my side was critical.
“We should go,” Babble said. “I want to catch him in the morning before he’s had a chance to sample his wares, and he’s just down the road.”
“Lead away,” I shrugged. “I’m ready for whatever the elf throws our way.”
“Now that’s what I like to hear!” the tiny gnome giggled as we stepped out the front door.
The crisp, autumn sunshine greeted us as soon as we stepped into the street, and the heat quickly warmed me. Water lapped against the fishing boats, and a couple of ducks quacked at each other as they floated on the river. It was the usual peaceful scene, and I drank it in with a smile.
“Good morning, Hagop,” I whispered to myself as a few washerwomen passed us in the road.
“Morning, all!” Babble waved at a group of girls sewing on the side of the street on a few benches.
The seamstresses waved at the gnome and then looked up at me. Every one of them blushed as they stared, and then they quickly turned to whisper to each other.
Once again I had to stifle a grin. I was the tallest man in town, and I could definitely feel the effects that it had on the ladies here.
“Where’s this cellar?” I asked as we headed down the street.
“This way,” Babble said, and then he darted left into a cobbled alleyway.
I took a sharp turn and followed him down the narrowest side-street that I had ever experienced in my life.
“Whoa,” I muttered to myself. I practically had to hold my breath to get down this place.
“Here we are,” Babble said as we approached a dark wood door with a solid brass knocker.
The small gnome looked up at me and smiled, and I realized that he was too short to reach it. I shrugged, lifted the knocker, and banged it three times against the door.
“Someone’s awake,” I said as we listened to feet scurrying around on the other side of the door.
“Good,” Babble said. “I hate having to wait.”
The door swung open, and a small man glared at us. He had white-blonde hair with almost fluorescent green streaks and striking green eyes that matched his light green robe. He crossed his arms and gave me the most unimpressed look I’d ever seen in my life.
“Hey,” I smiled down at the elf. “How’s it going, buddy?”
“Who in the Hagop are you?” the elf sneered. His voice was brittle and scratchy, and I felt the hairs on my chest rise up.
“I’m his protector,” I answered and gestured at Babble. “And I think we have some business with you guys. Mind if we come in?”
I hadn’t planned on saying anything, but I was still angry about the letter from Cassian. So I directed that toward the elf, who backed up uncertainly as he looked between me and the gnome.
“Yes,” Babble added. “This is my protector. And Guthry, the time has come for you to pay your debts. Once again, do you mind if we come inside?”
I could tell that the elf didn’t want us inside, but we weren’t going anywhere. I smiled at the shorter man as I blocked the door, and the elf finally sighed and opened the door all the way.
“Come in,” he sighed. “Let’s go to the cellar. I need to do some work there anyway.”
The elf led us to a set of narrow steps that led down to the basement. He started down without bothering to check that we were still behind him, though maybe it was just one of those odd things about Hagop. Everyone was a sleazy businessman, but they’d trust you not to steal their stuff.
Babble hopped down the stairs right behind the elf, and I followed at a slower pace. The place smelled damp, and it was almost entirely lit by candles and a few torches in the shoddy basement corners. However, the place seemed to hold an impressive volume of wine in several green and clear bottles.
“So, Guthry,” Babble started. “I know that we had that little tournament a few weeks ago. Do you remember that?”
“Of course I don’t,” the elf growled. “I never remember anything after a night out with you.”
“Protector!” the little gnome gasped as he looked back at me. “How insolent! Thrash him at once!”
“Why don’t we give him a chance to redeem himself,” I suggested as I leaned against a cask.
The gnome looked like he wanted to argue, but he huffed and then turned back to face the elf. Babble could be hot-headed, especially when it came to collecting his winnings, but we’d have a better chance of success if we kept our cool. The gnome seemed to understand that, because when he looked at the elf, he smiled and shook his head.
“Ha!” Babble snorted. “It’s so hard to find good help these days.”
“Mmmm,” the elf murmured and glanced at me.
“Now, about my winnings--” Babble said and rubbed his hands together.
“Not so fast,” the elf replied and held up a hand. “You see, I’m a little confused, Babble, if that’s your real name.”
I frowned at the elf. Things had taken a turn for the weird pretty quickly, and I wasn’t sure what kind of game Guthry was trying to play.
“Excuse me?” the gnome gasped. “Of course I’m Babble. You owe debts to me, and you haven’t paid up!”
“Yes, I have,” the elf said as he eyed him. “Because Babble already came to me yesterday!”
I turned to look at the gnome. Sure, there was a lot of weird stuff about this town, but time jumping wasn’t one that I expected from it.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Babble said as he shook his hand. “What the Hagop are you talking about? I haven’t ever been here in my life, except for once three years ago. But that was a long time before our recent competition, which was only three weeks ago!”
“Are you dumb?” the elf glowered over him. “You stopped here yesterday with a dwarf! And you collected your money and headed back to town.I looked and saw as the blood drained from the gnome’s face. Suddenly, it occurred to me that this guy had been tricked. Someone had posed as Babble and taken the money in his place, and I had more than a faint idea of who it might be.
“You absolute fool!” Babble shouted, and he stamped on the floor. “You’ve been duped!”
“What are you talking about?” the elf asked. “Were you drunk or something? Is that why you’ve returned here today? Or did you think I would be dumb enough to pay you twice?”
“You dimwit!” Babble shouted again. “That wasn’t me! Have you ever known me to hang out with a… a dwarf by my side?”
“You all look the same!” the elf protested.
“Protector!” the gnome shrieked as his face turned red. “Protector, thrash him within an inch of his life!”
“Oh, now you’re going to beat more money out of me?” the elf snarled. “Wait until I tell the people of Hagop what a vicious, lying creature they’ve let in their midst!”
“You’re the one who’s lying!” the gnome snarled back. “I’ve never heard such a poor excuse. Protector! Why aren’t you beating the snot out of him?”
“Both of you, shut up!” I shouted.
The elf and the gnome both backed away at my voice, and when I crossed my arms across my chest and glared at them, they both started to sweat.
“There’s no need to shout,” the elf finally mumbled. “You’ll bring the whole house down.”
“Do it,” Babble urged and did a jig.
“You got the wrong guy,” I said and frowned at the gnome for a moment. “It’s Cassian. That was the dwarf, wasn’t it?”
“Well, I don’t associate with many dwarves,” the elf replied, but he quickly nodded when I scowled. “Umm… but yes, I think that one was Cassian.”
“Just as I suspected,” I muttered. “Well, who the hell was the gnome with him?”
“Yeah!” Babble shouted. “Who could possibly impersonate me?”
“He looked like you,” the elf shrugged. “But he had lighter hair and bright green eyes and a blue coat. Ring any bells?”
The gnome stomped on the ground, but then his eyes widened as he looked up at the elf.
“That thief!” he shouted. “Jeffrey has returned once again to make my life a pile of shit! I don’t know how he figured out who owes me money, but clearly he has spies everywhere. A vast ring of spies watching my every move, watching me rack up wins at dice, and attempting to subvert my collections.”
“Slow down,” I said. “There’s a lot going on. First of all, the money is already in someone else’s hands. And second of all, who the hell is Jeffrey?”
“That gnome hates me,” Babble moaned.
It sounded peculiarly similar to the sentiment that he’d expressed today about the elf. It seemed like however many people there were who loved, or at least liked, Babble, there were another ten that hated him. I didn’t quite understand what his status was in this world, but I was starting to get curious.
“But he’s a gnome,” I said. “You’re the same creatures.”
“Gnomes often hate each other more than they hate other beings,” the elf said as he tugged at his robe.
“Ooooh,” Babble growled and stomped on the floor.
“Look, Guthry, where did these guys go?” I asked as I stepped between the elf and the gnome.
“How would I know?” the elf practically spat on the ground. “One gnome is much the same as any other. I paid my money, and they left. I didn’t ask where they were going.”
“Why you…” Babble grumbled as he started to punch at the air.
“We have to find Jeffrey,” I said as I placed a hand on Babble’s head so he couldn’t reach the elf. “Come on, stop it. We don’t have time for this.”
“You lost my money!” the gnome wailed.
“I don’t care about this anymore,” the elf yawned. “If you would be so kind, I have a lunchtime tasting this afternoon that I have to finish setting up. Goodbye, gentlemen.”
The elf pointed up the stairs, and though I really wanted to kick the elf’s butt, I also knew it was more important that we find the other gnome before he could steal any more of Babble’s money. So I picked up my friend, set him on my left shoulder, and carried him all the way back to the street.
“Unbelievable!” Babble growled as I set him on the ground. “I can’t believe that such a mistake could be made! I should have his head on a platter.”
“Look, I get that you’re annoyed,” I told him. “But we can’t waste our time fighting the elf. If Cassian and Jeffrey have your money, then we have to find them before they visit any of the other people who owe you.”
“Oh, the thieves!” Babble wailed.
“Just tell me about this other gnome,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “You said you knew him.”
“Oh, I know Jeffrey alright,” he huffed. “But I wish that I didn’t. He always liked to play tricks on me, and now that Cassian is out to get you, I’m sure he’s more than a willing sidekick.”
Ugh. Now they had a little team as well. But the good part was that I was significantly taller than both of them, and I knew that I was stronger than a dwarf and a gnome combined. All we had to do was find them, but I didn’t know Hagop well enough to know where they might be hiding.
“Well, that elf wasn’t very helpful,” I said. “And I don’t know why he thought Jeffery was you. The gnome he described certainly doesn’t sound like you at all.”
“Elves are a pain in the hat,” Babble sighed. “I wouldn’t trust one on a good day. Usually they pay up, but if they can find a way to get out of it, then they will. He probably knew it wasn’t me, but he paid Jeffrey just so he could stick it to me.”
“Do you know where this guy, Jeffrey, hangs out?” I asked. “Because if we can find them, then we can get the money. And that dwarf will look like an idiot for trying such a stupid stunt.”
“I’m sure that we can find them,” Babble said. “But we’re going to have to go to the gnome city. And I’m not too sure that you’ll fit in, for obvious reasons.”
“I mean, you got me these sick threads,” I said, and I pulled at my sweet velvet suit. “So I look like a real Hagopper now.”
“No, no,” Babble said. “Not the clothes. I mean literally… fit in. Like, everyone is a lot smaller than you. You might crush something or knock something over...”
“Ah,” I shrugged. “Well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“Funny you should mention bridges,” Babble said. “Because that’s exactly where we’re heading. Come on, I have an idea of where these deviants might be hiding out.”
I followed him back through Hagop, which was once again full of donkeys and street vendors. I kept my eyes peeled for that damn dwarf and the gnome who had impersonated Babble, but I didn’t see them in the streets.
We passed Hildegard’s inn and then made our way up the street toward a large hill. I looked down at the gnome and lifted an eyebrow.
“You said we were going to a bridge?” I asked.
“Just wait,” he replied.
We walked around the base of the hill, and as we came around to the other side, I stopped and stared in surprise. It looked like the hill had been hollowed out and an entire miniature city had been built inside. A small bridge had been built across a river, and to reach the city, we would have to cross to the other side.
“Whoa!” I laughed. “Well, it’s small, but I think I can fit if I crouch down.”
“Just… be careful where you step,” Babble replied.
We crossed the bridge and entered the city, and I quickly slouched down so that I didn’t look so tall. But I still got a lot of looks, not just from the gnomes but the few elves and dwarves that were there as well.
“We’re going to have to go right to the edge,” Babble said. “That’s where the bar we want is. A lot of deals between gnomes and the other creatures go down there so it’s a little… larger.”
We headed through the busy gnome street, which looked very similar to the main Hagop street minus the river. The tavern we approached was only ten feet tall, like most of the buildings in the town, but it was significantly wider, so I still had to crouch down, but maybe I wouldn’t feel so crowded.
That turned out to be a lost hope. The inside of the place was packed, and many of the customers had to stand because there didn’t seem to be any more seats available. The copper-covered walls glowed in the firelight, while tiny gnomes with giant beers whizzed around and handed them to the customers. There were a few gnomes waiting for their drinks at the bar, but it seemed like most people simply tossed their order to a passing waiter.
The moment Babble walked in, the noise level dropped considerably. It wasn’t deathly quiet, but it was still creepy. The gnomes stared at us for a long heartbeat, and then they started to mutter among themselves. Ever so slowly, the volume returned to normal, and we continued through the bar.
“Who the hell is that?” I heard an elf sneer. “Is that what they call an elephant in the West Country?”
“I’m a man,” I replied to the long-haired elf, who was wearing a red robe that draped around his knees and drinking a delicate glass of brandy. “Which is more than I could say for you.”
The elf scowled, but Babble tugged impatiently on my leg before I could say anything else. I gave the elf the bird as I walked away, though he had no idea what the finger meant.
“Quickly!” someone shouted. “We have to leave. Now!”
I spotted Cassian as he tried to lead a small gnome back behind the bar. I didn’t think Babble had seen them yet, but even from my crouched position, I could see the pair clearly.
Two full strides later, I was standing by the bar, and I slammed my hand down on the dark wood so hard that the glassware bounced and rattled. The noise was enough to draw the attention of the other customers, and the place went quiet again. The dwarf and the gnome had frozen when I’d smacked the wood, and they looked up at me with guilty eyes while the rest of the bar waited to see what I would do to them.
“You can all return to your business,” I said without turning around. “I have who I’m looking for.”
“But I want to know what’s happening,” a small voice piped up.
“Yes, do tell us,” another member of the crowd said. “I’m hungry for gossip… starving in fact. It’s been a slow week.”
“Just go on, Tyler, it’s always like this,” Babble waved at me. “Do what you’ve been paid to do.”
“Alright,” I said as I reached for the dwarf. “Cassian, I’ve come here to make an example of you. You and Jeffrey took Babble’s money, and we’re here to get it back.”
“You prig!” Cassian spat as he tried to squirm out of my grasp.
“But how did he steal Babble’s money?” one of the gnomes from the audience demanded. “Did they threaten him with a knife?”
“Oooh,” one of the others cooed. “Maybe they bashed him over the head and took it.”
“Cassian had his friend here pretend to be Babble,” I said. “And then they went to collect the money that was owed to Babble.”
“A disguise!” another gnome yelled. “Why, that’s trickery!”
“And good trickery, too!” another voice added, though not as loudly.
Suddenly, a few of the gnomes started cheering and waving their beer mugs back and forth. Damn, didn’t anyone here have a sense of moral decency?
“Tyler,” Babble said as he pulled on my pants. “Trickery here is an art and a currency unto itself… if anything, they’ll win public favor for their devious behavior!”
“Not on my watch!” I boomed, and the crowd died down again. “Look Jeffrey, you’ve been found out. Cassian, I know that you’re trying your damnedest to mess with us, but you’ve only got yourself to blame for losing the hops. I got to the farm first, and I bought what was left, fair and square.”
“A human procuring hops!” one of the gnomes squeaked. “Why, I’ve never heard of anything like that in my life! This tale just gets more interesting by the second.”
“Now hand over the money,” I snarled. “I don’t want to ask twice.”
“Why not?” Jeffrey the gnome shot back. “It’s polite in gnome culture to ask three times for something! And then, perhaps, I will grant your request.”
“It’s not your request to grant,” I said. “The money is Babble’s. Not yours.”
“But I have it,” the gnome shrugged. “So right now, it surely seems like it’s mine!”
God dammit. This really was like trying to argue with a three-year-old.
“Look,” I said as I slammed my hand down on the bar again, and the whole place went silent. “You’re not getting out of here until you hand over the money. And if you don’t, I’ll rip the roof off this place, and you’ll have to pay for it to be fixed.”
I wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth, but it seemed like the kind of threat that would strike where it would hurt the most. In the wallet.
And hell, I was the paid muscle now. I was supposed to use my size and brute force to bring this place down, and by the looks of things, that would be about as hard as breaking down a cardboard box.
“The audacity you have to come here,” Cassian sneered, but Jeffrey the gnome was already digging through his pockets.
“It would cost a fortune,” Jeffrey growled, and he placed the sack of coins on the bar. “Are you happy?”
Babble snatched the bag, looked inside, then looked up at me and nodded.
“No,” I said. “‘Happy’ would be an overstatement. But you’ve given me what I want.”
“Well, at least you’ve got someone on your side, Babble,” Jeffrey smirked. “Even if it is a freak.”
“Shut up, Jeffrey,” Babble said. “And Cassian, leave us alone!”
“You fools,” Cassian said. “I won’t let you get away with those hops.”
“Whatever, Cassian,” I sang. “But you should know, you’ll lose every time.”
Some of the other customers laughed at that, and I gave them a hearty wave as I made my way back to the door. I glanced down and saw that Babble was strutting along beside me, and I laughed as we stepped into the street again.
“Let’s get away from here before Cassian can round up a mob,” I said, and then I picked up Babble and placed him on my shoulder again.
“Wahooo, whoopeee!” the gnome giggled as we made our way through the town. “You did it, Tyler! You’re the best bodyguard that a gnome could ask for!”
“It’s my job, isn’t it?” I replied. “It did feel pretty good to get that money back. And also to foil Cassian’s plan.”
The look on the dwarf’s face had been priceless. His brows had furrowed, his nostrils had flared, and he’d even bared his sharp teeth, but Jeffrey had still returned the money without much of a fight.
I could tell that Cassian hadn’t been expecting us to go after him, and I was hoping he might decide that it wasn’t worth it to keep his grudge. But the anger and embarrassment in Cassian’s face had been deep, and I had the feeling that the dwarf would rear his ugly head once more.
“Cassian won’t be happy about that, not one bit,” the gnome sighed as if he’d read my mind. “Usually humans don’t interfere too much in gnomish trickery… which begs the question why they get so annoyed by it. I mean, if they actually took the initiative to come and find us and stand up for themselves, maybe the gnomes wouldn’t get away with so much.”
“But that guy was annoying as hell,” I said. “And I happen to be a giant. Not many of the humans are giants, and either way, we were definitely in the right back there. But as for a bet? I highly doubt the game was rigged…”
“It’s never rigged,” Babble said. “But gnomes have lucky throws when it comes to dice. It’s down to our size, luck just works in our favor. If I knew how to explain it, I would, but I don’t.”
I shrugged, and he hooted with victory again.
“Well, I’d say I’d earned that bit of extra silver,” I said. “So, where do we go next? Any more beings to hassle?”
“Not today,” he said. “But I certainly think that we should celebrate. How about we try some elvish wine? Are you fond of wine?”
“It’s not my drink of choice,” I admitted. “But I’m willing to try it. They spend so much time talking about and analyzing it that I’m curious to know how it actually tastes.”
“The elves are snobs,” the gnome said as we crossed the bridge. “But their wine is good. They’d probably sell even more of it if they didn’t go around telling everyone how much better it was than anything else.”
“An important lesson for all advertisers,” I chuckled.
“There’s a place just up on the left that carries some good bottles,” the gnome said.
“Oh, let me guess,” I sighed and pointed toward a place along the main road of Hagop.
There were a few elves seated at outdoor tables, and they were sipping wine from glasses while they took notes in their small books. Wine bottles were suspended from pieces of twine in the window to form big, wine-themed wind chimes, and if I didn’t know the place was run by elves, I would’ve said that it was rather charming.
“That’s the one,” Babble nodded. “Hanly’s. If you’d be so kind as to put me down, giant.”
I placed the gnome gently on the ground, and once he’d dusted off some imaginary dirt, we walked across the street to the wine bar. We drew a few looks from the elves as we stepped up to the door, but most of them went back to writing in their notebooks when I glanced at them.
“Ah, what would be good for a celebration like this?” Babble murmured as we stepped inside.
Unlike the tailor’s shop, the wine shop looked brand new. The white walls looked pristine, the floor didn’t have so much as a speck of dirt, and the flowers near the window looked like they had just been plucked a few minutes earlier. It was probably the swankiest place I’d been to in Hagop, and I found myself standing up straighter like my mom was going to appear and tell me to stop slouching.
“My goodness, you’re big,” a croaky voice said, and I looked down to see a white-haired elf in a gray velvet robe looking up at me. “Is there anything that I can get for you two?”
Well, at least this one was civil.
“Yes,” Babble nodded. “What’s your best yellow wine today?”
“We have an excellent yellow Splotnick from the East,” the elf offered. “How does that sound?”
“Two glasses, please,” I said, and before the elf could spin around Babble lifted his hand.
“Nay, two glasses and an entire bottle please,” the gnome corrected. “We’re celebrating.”
“Babble, we can’t just waste all the money you earn on booze,” I laughed.
“We can do whatever we like with my money,” Babble shrugged. “I can spend it on booze if I so choose. But don’t panic, giant. There will be plenty left to pay you for this day’s work.”
We grabbed a pair of seats at the bar and watched as one of the elves fetched a bottle from the back and carried it toward us along with two glasses.
“That’ll be ten silver,” he said, and Babble dropped the coins into his hand. The elf counted it and nodded at Babble before leaving us to our wine.
“They’re awfully civil here,” I said in a low voice. “You know… compared to some of the other guys that we’ve run into.”
“This is a civil establishment,” he shrugged. “Now let me know what you think about this wine.”
He poured us each a glass of the golden-white wine, and I swirled it around like I’d seen the other elves do back in Hildegard’s tavern. A few elves looked over and lifted their eyebrows. Evidently they didn’t think much of humans and were surprised to find that I could do something regarding wine.
I took a sip of the stuff and puckered my lips. It was fine, and even had some hints of honey. But I was a beer guy through and through. I had to agree that even though I wasn’t too fond of wine in general, it was actually a lot better crafted than the Pyotr House beer. It had hints of honey, lilac, and even had a note of sunflower seeds. The closest thing I could compare it to from back home was a riesling.
“This is very good,” I admitted. “I don’t normally pick wine over beer, but it’s very well made. They’ve put a lot of work into it.”
Hey, the elves were assholes, but as a fellow craftsperson, I had to admit when they’d done something well.
“Of course it’s good,” a drunken scratchy voice wafted over.
I rolled my eyes at Babble, but I refused to turn around. I just knew that if I did, I’d get an entire lecture on why elves were so much better at making wine than humans.
But the elf was not to be deterred, and he staggered over to our spots at the bar with his wineglass firmly clasped in his hand.
“Hello,” I sighed.
“Ha,” the elf hiccupped. “Yes, yes… you know how much longer it takes for the wine grapes to mature?”
“I actually do,” I shrugged. “In some instances, wine is kept for years before being served.”
“Well, look at you,” he mumbled. “Perhaps you’re someone who has a little respect for the elven crafts rather than that dishwater beer you all seem to drink.”
“I agree that it tastes like dishwater,” I shrugged, and the elf’s eyes widened. “But I’m going to make a better beer.”
Just like before, the entire wine bar went silent while the elves looked at each other. And then, the cackling started.
“You’ve done it again,” Babble sighed. “At this rate, you could probably make good money as a comedian. And then you’d be sitting pretty.”
“It’s actually good that nobody takes me seriously,” I said with a shrug. “They won’t see me as a threat, like Cassian. Even though he’s obviously dumb as hell, maybe he’s actually a little smarter than the others.”
“I wouldn’t put it down to that,” Babble sighed. “Probably just insecurity.”
Once the high-pitched laughing had drawn to a close, the drunken elf wiped away the tears streaming down his face and turned to face me again.
“You are a funny fellow!” he said. “A funny giant. And you respect the elven crafts!”
“If that’s the way you want to look at it, sure,” I said. Hey, if they wanted to misinterpret everything to their benefit, then that was just fine by me.
“Try some of this,” the host of the wine bar said, and he shoved a small portion of dried meat in front of us. “On the house. If you like it, you can order a plate.”
Babble and I looked at each other and shrugged. I took some of the thinly-sliced meat and popped it in my mouth, though I wasn’t sure what to expect.
“Oh, wow,” I mumbled as the first bite seemed to dissolve in my mouth.
The meat was high-quality beef, and it tasted fresh even though it had been cured. The spices were a perfect complement to the steak, and all I could do was moan as I swallowed my first bite.
“This is incredible,” I admitted. “I don’t think I’ve ever had anything quite like this.”
“Well, you can have an entire plate of it for only sixty silver,” the elf said with a smile.
I looked down at Babble, and both of us shook our heads. It was good, but six times the price of the wine we were drinking? That definitely seemed a little steep.
“I think we’ll pass this time,” I said and winked. “We’ve got dinner waiting for us at home. It’s really very good, though.”
The owner scowled and swept the plate away, and then turned his attention to customers who were more willing to pay the exorbitant price for a few slices of meat.
“Elves will pay good money for quality,” Babble whispered to me as we sipped our wine. “It’s their point of pride. They lavish on good ingredients.”
“That’s good to know,” I murmured. “Because now I know that when my quality product comes out, they’ll be the first to buy.”
“Come again?” the drunk elf hiccupped.
“Nothing,” I said and smiled. “I was remarking on how good the ingredients must be. It tastes very fresh.”
“Ah, of course the ingredients are the finest in all of Hagop,” the elf laughed. “It’s the same that goes into the wine. You see, those beer-thirsty dwarves obsess over the perfect hops. Oh, hops from the finest farmer in Hagop! Local grains! Pah! They’re too lazy to venture a few stretches outside of the city. The greatest spices come from the southern part of the river, and none of those silly dwarves bother to take their carts and donkeys out there. And the humans? Forget about it! I have a theory that they mix in the sewage with well water and slap a name on it…”
I looked down to Babble, who poured another glass of wine for us and gave me a tired grin.
Even if those dwarves didn’t want to venture to the end of town, I sure as hell had nowhere better to be.
Especially now that I had a pretty good idea where we would head to get the best assortment of spices for the beer.