Boris crossed the entire hallway in three steps, like his form was glitching forward faster than my eyes could track him. He swiveled to Blitz and smiled broadly. “Well done, Agent Blitz! You lured them all here just as I requested. Perhaps you are not so useless after all. Consider your debt paid. Your place in our new Hell on Earth is assured.”
Blitz’s expression hardened. “You are mistaken, Boris. I didn’t bring them here as an offering. I’m with them. Hell and Earth should remain separate.”
“Oh, how disappointing. Your human side won out after all. I tried to tell management we should really place the cutoff at two generations removed at max. Hellfire doesn’t burn quite as hot in the veins after it’s been so diluted with humanity. Disgusting.”
With Blitz’s allegiances confirmed, I raised my Roulette Rouge and fired off a cryo-grenade at Boris’s head. The shot slipped right through his flickering form and froze a section of the previously scorched wall in the hallway behind him.
The bastard wasn’t even here. This was just a hologram. I should’ve seen that coming.
A skittering little spider-shaped magical drone, similar in design to Io’s birds, shifted slightly beneath the hologram, and Boris’s image turned to regard me.
“Ah. The mortal ‘champion’ I’ve heard so much about. The monster-fucker.” He sniffed. “I’m not impressed. You plucked low-hanging fruit. A real champion would’ve gone after a demon, or corrupted an angel into falling for their sexual prowess. Now that would be a powerful addition to a champion’s harem. Alas. You’re so weak you only managed to pull a were-bitch and a serpent with no aptitude for magic. How sad. A pity you weren’t more of a challenge. I’d love to show you what Hell’s Champion can do. Now there’s a real warrior.”
What is it with these pathetic dudes insulting my girls?
“You’re just jealous you’ve never pulled a real woman in your life.”
Boris blinked. “Excuse me, welp?”
“You’re excused. Feel free to fuck right off.” I turned halfway towards the far end of the office and then paused when he failed to make himself scarce. “Still here? Disappointing. Your name’s like Porridge, or something, right?”
“My name is Boris’Dagath,” He corrected, smoke rising from his eyeballs.
“Gesundheit. We haven’t been formally introduced. I hear you’re some sort of bigshot down in Hell. Which makes sense. With a face like that it’s no wonder you keep insulting my girls. It’s pure jealousy. Clearly all the demons you’ve ever fucked only tolerated your shrimp dick to further their own agendas. Let me guess, you probably fucked Bianca didn’t you? Or like…idk her great great grandmother maybe. You look pretty old, shriveled, saggy, and disgusting so I can’t imagine what any self-respecting slut would even look at you twice unless you had something to offer. Money. Power. A nice car, perhaps. I used to see it all the time at Hilltop. These gross old dudes driving fancy cars with pretty girls that looked like their granddaughter’s school friends. That’s what you remind me of.”
With every word, Boris turned a darker shade of red. Horns sprouted from his temples and curled around like ram horns, and his fingernails elongated to claws. He didn’t get any prettier though. “Hey, Aleksei, does Hell have a good health plan? Your old partner looks like he could really use a CAT scan. Get it? Because you’re an O.L.D.M.A.N.”
Boris snarled and the little spider-droid leapt at me.
It exploded in a blast of magical sparks and metal debris before it made it two feet off the ground. I spun to see Aleksei pointing his revolver my way with a bit of smoke curling off the end of the barrel.
“Damn. I wasn’t done. I was about to tell him he was lucky he’s from Hell because here on Earth he would’ve been on a straight path to being an incel. Speedrun edition.”
“Dude, no,” Blitz said. “You just pissed off the biggest bad in Eastport. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Blitz, some context please. I just pissed off the biggest bad in Eastport, so far. My personal philosophy is things can always get worse. It helps to be prepared.”
“Is it too late to change sides…again?”
Aleksei, Tabitha, and I all said, “Yes,” in the same instant.
“Okay, cool. Just checking.”
“Fuck what he said, I thought you did great, hotshot. Now let’s go kill this bastard.”
Tabitha and I both moved out in sync. Euna was quick to follow. Aleksei walked to his cabinet and pulled out a bottle of scotch before trailing after us. Blitz was the last to fall in line, but he still did. At the end of the day, that’s what counted.
We all piled into the elevator.
“Do we know where he’s hiding?”
“He’s not hiding. He’s down in the labs trying to open a portal to Hell. Bastard wants what every high ranking demon wants. Hell on Earth,” Aleksei said with a sigh, punching the button for the labs and letting the doors slide shut.
“Whoa, why are we just heading straight there, shouldn’t we try to flank them?” Blitz protested, his eyes on the highlighted labs button with a trace of fear on his face.
“Nah, kid. They’ll see that coming,” he said, taking a swig from his bottle of scotch. “What they won’t see coming is a pissed off dragon clawing my way through their front door and flaming down anyone who gets between me and my sweet Doctor Caroline.”
“Sweet Caroline, anyone?” I threw out. Io snorted but was too busy piloting her drones all throughout the city to comment. Tabitha almost broke into a laugh but managed to keep herself contained.
“Okay so our plan is to just attack head on,” Blitz asked for clarification.
“Oh, come on dude,” I cut in. “Live up to your namesake will you?”
Blitz rolled his eyes and fell silent for a while.
Aleksei tilted his head back and chugged more of his scotch.
“Why is the old man drinking so heavily right before we go into battle?” Euna inquired.
“It helps him produce fire. He sort of spent it all roasting Bianca,” Tabitha explained.
“Who’s Bianca?”
“She’s nobody, now,” I replied.
Euna seemed satisfied with that answer and we all fell quiet again.
As awkward elevator music played, Aleksei kept chugging and swaying slightly as he tried to drain the entire bottle before we reached our destination. Tabitha and Blitz both checked their weapons even though they were fine. Euna beamed at me.
“This is so exciting,” she admitted. “We’re on our way to save the world.”
I grinned. “It is pretty exciting, isn’t it?”
Aleksei finished off the bottle and shattered it against the ground, belched loudly, and stepped towards the doorway right as it dinged and started to open. “Buckle up, kids. This is where the fun begins.”
I dunno, man. I’ve been having fun since this whole shitshow started. Catch up.
The doors slid open to reveal a half ring of henchmen standing with their guns trained on the elevator door. Most of them were demons or humans, but there was this one minotaur who looked like he meant serious business. He had a fucking minigun pointed our way.
Behind these henchmen was some sort of mad-scientist-looking mechanical portal that was easily big enough to drive a semi truck through. Crackling red energy danced up the circular gateway and sparked off these giant coils surrounding it. I had to admit, it looked freaking dope.
If it weren’t for the army of bad guys between us and it, I would’ve happily walked forward and inspected it more closely. It’s not everyday you get to see a portal to hell, you know?
At a barked order from Boris himself, they all opened fire.