The Job
The thing that makes a villain for hire different from your average psychopath with a death ray is a proper villain knows there’s a time and a place. You don’t bust in on someone’s dinner date to stick your foot in the mashed potatoes and deliver your evil monologue. In addition to being a waste of perfectly good potatoes, it makes you look like a jackass. And a good villain must seem credible.
Time and place.
And today, the time was two minutes to three; and the place was Fourth Avenue, Metro City, where a bank truck had just ground to a stop at a red light.
Ah, bank trucks.
Ya gotta love ‘em.
Sure, it lacked the romance of a proper bank robbery with the vault, the tellers, the neo-classical architecture and smell of too much air freshener, but robbing a bank truck had a number of other advantages. One, it was in the open, so plenty of observers. Two, if you grabbed it in a high traffic area, you’d have a massive audience all ready and willing to watch. But you had to be careful to avoid too much collateral damage. People got pissy if their new Hummer was destroyed by your face thanks to a hero throwing it at you. A job in a public space had to happen with almost surgical precision.
And call me doctor, because it was time to start cutting.
I stood on the edge of an apartment block’s roof, watching the heavy armoured truck idle. With a gesture of my magnetic powers I deployed my armor, sending layers of ridged steel out from special bracers on my wrists, ankles and belt across my body. The helmet came last, rolling over my face, leaving a big V of a visor to hide my features.
Right.
Here we go.
I reached out with my hand, feeling the magnetic pull of the various vehicles that thronged the street, my powers zeroing in on the truck. Oof. It was a heavy bastard, but I’d lifted bigger. My powers gripping its magnetic field, I began to lift the truck slowly into the air, the metal groaning appreciably.
It took a minute, but people started to notice. Cries of surprise erupted from pedestrians who pointed at the suddenly hovering truck. Traffic ground to a halt and people poked their heads out windows to watch what was happening. Phones came out, recording as the doors of the bank truck flew open and the guards fell out before they were too far off the ground.
Time for my entrance.
I stepped off the roof, lifting my armour with a magnetic push. The speakers in my helmet sent my laughter booming across the open air as I floated down, a harmless magnetic field crackling blue static around me, my cape billowing as the armoured truck rose to rotate above me in slow circles like a globe upon its axis.
God, I loved this job.
“Tremble people of Metro City!” I thundered. “Tremble, for I, Magneron! Master of Magnetism, have come to claim what is mine!”
The two guards who’d fallen from the truck drew their guns and took aim, but with a yank of my powers I jerked the weapons from their startled hands. The revolvers flew, spinning through the air to hover near my head.
“Fools!” I bellowed, crushing the two guns with a squeeze of magnetic force. “Did you really think your puny weapons could harm me? Me!” I let loose another crackle of electromagnetic power, some streetlights exploding, raining sparks down, making people scream and duck. “I am Magneron! And you are nothing but ants beneath my boots!”
“Halt, villain!”
Ah, right on schedule.
I turned to find a man standing on the edge of a building, hands on his hips, head thrown back and chest thrust out. He was only wearing some spandex tights, but it would be hard for him to cover up more, as the rest of his body appeared to be made of water. Despite his aquatic nature, certain features could be made out, like his lantern jaw, the glow of his eyes and his cocky grin.
“Well well!” I said, turning to face him. “If it isn’t the meddlesome Hydranos! The human puddle. What a surprise.”
“That’s right, villain! I am Hydranos, and you shall now face my aquatic justice! For I have come to put a stop to this financial harassment! Banks are among our most important institutions, and must be protected from menaces such as you!”
Yeesh. Laying it on thick, but whatever. “Well then, hero, you can have it!”
I hurled the truck at him like a missile. Bunching his legs beneath him, Hydranos leaped off the top of the building right before the truck smashed the ledge into rubble. He landed on the ground with an audible splash, reforming almost instantly into his human guise. He extended an arm towards me, and a firehose of water suddenly rushed towards me. Oof! The impact slammed into my armour, blasting me out of the sky. Aaaaand… there it was. A truck parked on the side of the street delivering Lithim’s Eats, today’s product placement.
I directed myself towards the truck’s side, allowing my powers to slow me down before I actually hit it. I barely touched the side of the delivery truck, but with a blast of my power I crumpled the siding like I’d hit it with the force a ten ton safe.
Civvies screamed and scattered, but kept their phones out, getting a good view of me and, more importantly, the billboard of a truck. That was the money shot. That was why they paid me the big bucks. The sight of me hitting the truck was going to explode all over social media tonight. Exposure like that was fucking gold these days. Try adblocking that one.
I slid out of the crater and landed lightly on the ground, letting my electromagnetic field crackle like spitting static. “Is that the best you have, Hydranos?” I demanded, laughing. “Because if so, you’ve made a grave mistake.”
“You’ll not be laughing long, villain!” he declared.
Dammit, I set up him up for a perfectly good pun and he just pissed it away. Well, whatever. Time to make things fun. I stretched out my arms to either side, and several benches, some railing, and the chairs outside a nearby coffee shop rose into the air, floating around me like a halo of junk.
“You wanted to fight me, hero? Then feel the full wrath of my magnetic might!”
I sent the benches hurtling at him one by one. A stupid tactic, sure. But the crowds love that shit. People gasped in shock as the metallic masses crashed around Hydranos, who weaved around them and dove for me, his body extending like a serpent made of water. Uh oh, he was going for a confinement move. I sent the chairs at him but he dodged around them sinuously, and then we were face to face. His body twisted around me, suddenly tightening, squeezing me like a snake.
Oof! I could feel my armour creak in his grasp. I couldn’t help but wheeze.
“Too tight?” Hydranos’s watery maw whispered as he lifted us into the air.
“It’s fine. Just go with it,” I replied in a hiss.
“Gotcha,” he murmured in an undertone. Then, in a shout, “Surrender, villain!”
“N-neverrrrrr!”
I milked it a bit as I gathered the electromagnetism in my suit and suddenly pushed it outwards. The crackling ball squeezed Hydranos as he tried to tighten the grip, but to no avail. With a sudden wet crash his body broke, splattering down to the ground like rain.
I floated there, wincing as I felt my ribs ache. Ouch, but it wasn’t too bad. Nothing broken. And Hydranos was reforming once again on the ground. Right near the fire hydrant. Nice. Okay, time for the big one. “Fool!” I shouted, slowly descending to the ground, carefully positioning myself right in front of the street’s manhole. I raised my arms, static crackling around me like a nimbus of power. “Did you think a cur like you could defeat me? Me! I have the very elemental forces under my command. Now, witness them, and despair!”
I lifted my arms, and from a couple of balconies around us I ripped out the metal railings. With a flick of my fingers I wrenched the bars apart, twisting the tips into spear-like points as the deadly metal hovered about me.
The crowd gasped in shock. That’s right, folks. This is why you live in Metro City. Not because of the out-of-control crime, sky-high housing costs and poor municipal services. It was to get a front row seat to watching buff guys in spandex beat the shit out of each other.
And they weren’t going to be disappointed. As I watched, Hydranos slammed his arm into the hydrant, punching through the metal. “You think that’s power,” he said as his body suddenly swirled and grew, his other arm rising towards me. “Then taste… this!”
The blast of water erupted from his arm in a roaring geyser. I immediately yanked up the manhole cover, flipping it up like a shield.
The water hit it with enough force that the thing almost smashed into me even with my powers holding it. I pushed more of my power against it, holding the blast of water so it sprayed all around me.
“Damn you! You’ve not heard… the last… of me!” I roared as I stepped forward and dropped into the darkness of the sewer mouth.
Eh. A bit cliché of an escape, sure. But it worked.
I immediately repelled my armour back into the air before I could hit the foul water below. I floated through the darkness, listening to the applause of the crowd and cheers of the public as Hydranos basked in his success.
“Thank you, people of this fair city!” he shouted. “And remember to stay hydrated!”
I rolled my eyes. Well, that was my work done. I floated back as Hydranos flowed down after me, landing on the ledge beside the sewer channel.
“They buy it?” I said.
“Of course,” he said. “Good work. You sure that squeeze wasn’t too bad.”
“I’m fine,” I assured him, honestly kind of surprised he’d bother asking. Usually the heroes wouldn’t care too much if they’d killed me. After all, I was just a villain. But it was nice when one acted somewhat professional.
“Great. Glad to work with you. Ah, by the way,” Hydranos said, moving a bit closer, his voice dropping further. “I heard you might be working with… other villainesses soon.”
That got my attention. “You did?” I asked.
“Yes. One with ice powers?”
Ah. I supposed I shouldn’t be too surprised. The hero rumor mill never took a break, that much was for sure. Hell, half the papers in the city were little more than gossip rags tattling on the various supers. “Not at the moment,” I said.
“Oh,” he said, looking a bit downcast. “Well, if you do, the Lithim Corporation wanted me to tell you we’d be interested in battling such a villainess.”
Ha! I bet they did. Nothing like getting a sexy woman in front of the newest product to really sell some units. Especially if that woman was trying to steal it. Advertising was so predictable.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. “But you’d better get back up there soon. Usual ‘looks like he escaped’ spiel.”
“Sure thing. Until next time.”
I nodded, turned and floated through the darkness of the tunnel. I heard the wet rushing sound of Hydranos rising out of the sewer, and then the distant cheers of the crowd. “Thank you, citizens. Thank you. And though that villain may have escaped, you need not fear. For Hydranos is here!”
I rolled my eyes, but hey, if Lithim thought that corny act would move product, that was for them to decide. They just paid me to menace a hero, not to run their campaign. Sure, it made the hero look like a sellout, but most heroes were sellouts. You didn’t exactly make tons of money stopping random muggings, did you? Just about every hero people knew about was on the payroll of some corp.
And hey, that worked for me.
I sighed, rolling my shoulders. I’d spent years menacing corporate heroes. It was a tough job, but a lucrative one. Well, it would have been, if I didn’t spend much of the money I made on the heists themselves. It could get expensive, but you had to spend money to make money in this business.
Though, these days, I was hoping to make more money than I spent. I had a lot more expenses than I did even a short time ago. Getting myself saddled with a trio of villainesses would do that.
I shook my head. Now wasn’t the time to worry about that. I wouldn’t feel safe until I was out of the sewers. I knew the place like the back of my hand, but so did the mutants and the giant crocodiles who lived down here, and I didn’t want to get in a fight with them. Fortunately, they generally didn’t bother you unless you entered their territory, and I’d been careful to avoid it. In fact, I’d heard the city had worked out a deal to have them keep the sewers running. Good for them if true.
I reached the manhole three streets over and lifted the cover with a push of my powers. As I rose out of the hole, I peeled back my armour into my bracers and anklets, the metal smoothing back like scales before vanishing into their slots, leaving me in a plain shirt and jeans once more. Just Victor, another rando in the great Metro City.
I landed and moved my hand, the manhole cover sliding back into place, as if nothing had ever happened. Good, that was another job done. As I did so, I heard footsteps and looked up as the two security guards from the truck came up towards me.
“Good job, Steve,” I said.
The two men pushed back their hats, revealing identical unshaven faces, partially covered with reflective Oakley glasses. The pair grinned lazily, with the job done assuming the usual lethargic stance of Steve Smith, better known as Multiple Man. My go to when I needed some minions and background NPC’s to knock around without incurring a criminal record or medical bills, Steve’s clones had always been useful in my villainous endeavours of making heroes look good.
“Eyyy, no sweat, Victor.”
“Anything for the man who’s helping my sister. Ey? Ey?” the second Steve said with a barrage of finger pistols.
“She’s coming along,” I said. Steve had been bothering me for years to take on his sister as an apprentice in the fine art of villainy. I’d finally caved and brought her in, but the girl was a bit of a handful. Not uncommon with psychics. “We’re working on her debut. Should be soon, actually. I need to go set that up.”
“Cool. Cool,” Steve said, nodding sagely. “Looking forward to it, my friend. Looking forward to it. Ah,” Steve said, pushing back his glasses to wipe a tear. “My little sister, all grown up and threatening the public. Enough to make a big bro cry, ya know?”
I didn’t, but nodded all the same. “I’ll let you know how it’s coming along,” I said.
“Sure thing. I’ll be hearing from ya. C’mon. Let’s go,” Steve said to his clone.
The pair wandered off to do whatever it was Steve’s clones did after a job was done. I didn’t ask much about the specifics. Steve’s clones only lasted for twenty-four hours before poofing into nothing, which worked out well. Henchmen were hard to get as a freelance villain because they could be really expensive for minimal returns, but having Steve around to fill in the role worked out well.
I made my way towards the mouth of the alley where I’d parked my old Honda Civic. Not a lot of villains drove a Civic, but the beaten-up old car had served me faithfully for years, and I had no intention of getting rid of it before I had to. Besides, money was tight enough as it was. Thanks to the repairs to my new home, I had little spare change to my name.
As I got near, I spotted a piece of paper under the wiper. Oh goddammit. A ticket? Fucking typical. Damn it all. Times like these I wished I were a real villain. I’d love to just steamroll someone for this kind of crap.
But no. No. Much as I’d love to rip off the dome of city hall and chew out all the petty bureaucrats who made it their business to drop this shit on hard working people, that was a slippery slope. You start using your powers to steal petty shit at the store, and next thing you know you’ve got a secret volcano lair and are threating the UN from your giant screen, showing off your doomsday device if they don’t pay you a hundred billion dollars.
I sighed, crumpling up the ticket. Ah well.
“You there!”
I felt my back stiffen instantly. Oh, great. I knew that tone. That voice filled with indignant self-righteousness. That thundering denunciation. Only one kind of person spoke like that.
A hero.
I turned slowly from my car. A woman stood at the other end of the alley, her hands on her hips, her head tilted back as she glared at me. Well, that was quite the costume. Bare shoulders and a leather skirt studded with metal, her black hair tied back in a braided ponytail and her cuirass studded with gold. A pair of gleaming bracers were on her wrists while she looked at me with fierce condemnation. She was classically beautiful like a Greek statue, and looking righteously angry. In fact, she looked like she was glowing. Which meant…
Ugh. Fucking hell. Bad enough I was looking at a streeter, one of those heroes who didn’t work for a corp, instead dispensing street justice to anyone they decided were breaking the law, but she was a fucking mythic.
I sighed, turning to face her. Of all the heroes you could face, mythics were the worst. Streeters were bad enough, but when they started dipping into divine powers and heritages you got some real nutters. But the worst part was they were almost impossible to reason with. Nothing convinced a person they were right more than literal divinity telling them it was okay to bust some sinner heads.
“Look, can we not?” I said. “I just had a fight with a man made of water, and I’d really rather not deal with this.”
“Then I suggest you surrender, mortal. For you face Olympia!” she shouted, and fuck me if she didn’t go ahead and draw a literal goddam sword. She pointed it at me, levelling it menacingly. “Daughter of the gods! Heir of Mars and Athena! Crafted from the very elemental clay, I have come to this mortal realm to defend the helpless and make right the wrongs! And I shall begin with you!”
Fan-fucking-tastic. She was new to the mortal world too. Just my luck. “Uh huh,” I said as I glanced at her sword, my powers resonating around its magnetic field. “But see, I don’t want to.”
I twitched my finger, and her sword was jerked from her startled hand. I sent the blade flying to slam almost to the hilt in the brick wall of the building beside us, so deep it would take a true king to pull it out.
Olympia gaped before rounding back on me. “Fiend!” she barked, bunching her hands to fists. “Such trickery shall not sway me!”
“Okay, look,” I said. “There’s a whole reason for why I did that fight and it’s-“
“Die!” she roared, leaping towards me. I hastily sidestepped, her fist missing me wide, but it hit the side of my car. The old Civic rocked on its axel, a massive dent in the door.
“My car!” I cried. Oh that was it! With a push of magnetism I lifted myself by the anklets and armbands into the air, evading another savage swing of Olmpyia’s fists. I looked her over quickly. A lot of mythics get by with celestial blood of whatever, but far more tended to have some catalyst as a weak point. Luxurious, super empowering hair, unfortunate ankle injuries, or mystical weapons. Sadly, her sword clearly hadn’t been it.
But that belt with the Greek lettering looked pretty fucking mystical.
I stretched my hand out towards a fire escape and with a jerk wrenched it from its moorings.
“You’ll not escape me in the sky, villain!” Olympia declared, bracing herself to jump.
“That right?” I said, my powers grabbing her belt and suddenly yanking it off.
Like someone had flicked the switch of her divine glow she suddenly seemed to dull, her leap instead barely taking her a few inches off the ground. She landed, gasping, and then shrieked as her skirt fell down, revealing some white panties.
Whoops!
“Fiend!” she squealed, red faced as she bent down and grabbed her skirt, yanking it back up. One hand holding it in place, she shook a fist at me. “Return to me the Belt of Orion!”
“I don’t think so,” I said, and swung the ladder at her.
Her warrior instincts warned her and she turned in surprise just as the ladder reached her. The metal hit her, and with a quick motion of my hand and a groan of old iron I wrapped the metal bands around her, twisting it like a cage and pinning her arms and legs together. She yelped, hopping, but she couldn’t get enough leverage to use what remained of her super strength, and inevitably fell, toppling to the alley’s ground.
“B-bastard!” she shouted, wriggling helplessly. “Have you no honour? Fight me!”
“Yeah, no,” I said, floating back down to my car and checking the dent in the door. Fortunately, the damage wasn’t too bad. With care I used my powers to pop the dent back out. Well, it looked okay at least, but the paint was scratched to hell. Crap. I did not need this right now.
“I’m not done with you, villain!” Olympia barked.
I glanced down at her, then at the heavens, wondering why they were testing me? I did not have time do deal with this bitch. Should I kill her? It was tempting, but no. She was beaten, and I was no murderer. And I couldn’t leave her in some grungy alley tied up and helpless for some druggie or worse to stumble onto, no matter how annoying she was. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t know how the real world worked, and to be fair, there was a level of nuance to the whole ‘villain fights’ that probably didn’t make much sense to most people. And I couldn’t return the damn belt because then she’d just come after me again.
Fortunately, this wasn’t the first time I’d dealt with this kind of thing. I fished my phone out of my pocket, flicking through the numbers until I reached the M’s. I dialed and held it to my ear.
As it rang, I tried to tamp down my impatience. Finally it clicked. “Hello, you have reached the Mythic Society Help Line! How can we make your day magical?”
“Yeah, hi,” I said, casting a glare at Olympia. “Some Greco-Roman myth just tried to jump me in a back alley. What do I do with her?”
“Oh dear! That is unfortunate.” I heard some keys click. “Hmm… Well, I’m afraid all of our agents and affiliates are currently unavailable at the moment, but we’d be delighted to send one your way as soon as one becomes free.”
“And how long can that take?” I said with a sinking feeling.
“We can assure you that it will be within three moons.”
I groaned. Dammit. “So, what? I just hold on to her?”
“We would be ever so grateful if you would!”
Fuuuuck. “I… Fine,” I growled. “Look. I’ll take her to my new place. It’s that old chalet, the Roue Devard, up in the mountains. I’m sure whoever you send will be able to find it. Come pick her up there. Alright?”
“Excellent!” the person on the other end of the line chirped. “Thank you ever so much once more. The heavens, gods, and assorted eldritch beings shall surely see their way to rewarding you in your preferred afterlife option.”
“Yeah, whatever. See ya.”
I shut my phone. Dammit. This was not my day. But now that I made the call, I couldn’t just leave Olympia here. Gods got really tetchy about hospitality and making promises. So it looked like taking her with me was my best option, unless I wanted to get a taste of some divine retribution. I opened the back door of my car and grabbed a rag. Olympia tensed as I came near.
“Listen,” I said, crouching in front of her. “I do not have time to play with you. So what you’re going to do is shut the fuck up, and we’ll both get rid of each other as soon as we can. Got it?”
“You shall not hold me you-“
I took the opportunity to shove the rag in her mouth and stood again. Well, that was a start.
I looked towards her sword and extended my arm, once more gripping the blade with my powers. The blade hummed as I yanked it back out of the wall and into my hand. When she saw the weapon, Olympia froze, her eyes wide. I examined the blade. Hm. Nice. Good workmanship and mix of materials. It probably had some divine properties or something as well.
But whatever. I turned from her and popped the trunk of my car, throwing her enchanted steel and her belt in the back to sit with a spare tire and some jumper cables. Slamming the trunk, I motioned back towards her and levitated the metal around her with my powers.
“Mmmph!” Olympia cried.
“Yeah yeah,” I said as I floated her into the back of my car. I leaned in after her, glaring. “Now, I know you don’t believe me, but I don’t want to hurt you. But even though I am beyond pissed right now, I’m going to be a nice guy, because you’re just some random fucking mythic, and if I left you here, you’d probably get grabbed by some randy addict or weirdo. Now stay there, stay quiet, and don’t fuck around with me. Got it?”
“Mph!”
“Whatever,” I said, and slammed the door behind her. Fuuuck, I was late. I opened the front of the car and slid into the driver’s seat, starting the engine. After a rumble it turned over. Finally, a bit of luck. I backed out of the alley and joined the traffic heading uptown. Fortunately the streets were pretty empty, so I was going along at a good clip, and Olympia seemed more interested in kicking my seat than trying to draw attention from pedestrians.
Haah.
And the day started off so well too...