Heroic Lunch
Between showing Dolly a good time and showing Hydranos and Olympia a villainous one, I was famished. Leaving Dolly to disassemble the death ray and do whatever else it was she needed to, I made my way towards the kitchen.
As I walked, I stretched my back and arms, wincing at the dull ache in my chest. Oof. Getting wrapped up by Hydranos was going to come back to haunt me. But no real harm. I’d taken much worse in the day. A lot of heroes had real trouble holding back in a fight, and many didn’t even bother. A lot of heroes resented the idea of having to fight a paid villain, and took it out on you. In those cases, you had to be really good to deal with them.
I made my way through the shining wooden halls and opened the swinging door to the kitchen. It was pretty extensive. Not so long ago it had been used to feed General Winter’s host of henchmen. The whole place seemed to shine with metal, from the prep tables, row of ovens and various mixers and other tools only a chef would know how to use.
Glacia was within, sitting at a table, and I noticed Olympia was propped in the corner, glaring at me. I ignored the heroine for the time being. My powers would sense if she tried anything to escape her bindings, and instead I turned my attention to Glacia herself. Now that I wasn’t so concerned about whatever Dolly was up to, I found the time to more thoroughly appreciate her figure.
Glacia was stunning in a classical way. Like she’d stepped out of a baroque painting, every inch of her seemed to radiate a kind of elegant beauty. Her hair was a silver platinum and the white robe she wore complimented her figure, especially with the belt tight around her narrow waist. Her eyes were the clearest blue I’d ever seen, and she carried herself with a rigidness like she measured the spacing of furniture to the inch.
“Hello, sir,” Glacia said.
“Glacia. Hungry?” I said. “I was going to fry up some eggs.”
“Thank you, sir. I would love some,” Glacia replied.
Ah, right. The whole ‘sir’ thing. I’d been meaning to talk about that, and the casual air of the moment seemed opportune. I went towards the massive fridge and opened it, taking a look through. Fortunately, the General had left all the food when he’d gone back to the north pole. Ah, eggs. Excellent. I pulled them out and lifted a frying pan from its peg with my magnetic powers. A twist on the gas stove’s element turned it on, the fire huffing to life as I put the pan down and cracked a couple eggs into it to sizzle.
“You know,” I said as, with another twitch of my powers I pulled out two more frying pans and spatulas to float around me, using my hands to break another couple eggs. “You don’t have to call me sir anymore.”
“Would you prefer master?” Glacia said.
“Uh. No,” I said as I fed some slices of bread into the toaster. “I meant that I think we’ve gotten to the point you don’t need to be so… well, formal with me.”
I noted she sat up, becoming stiff again. “I don’t quite understand, sir,” Glacia said.
Hmm. How to put this… Since Glacia had basically lived her entire life in the Palace of Ice in the north pole, under the strict supervision of her father, General Winter, she had a … unique way of looking at things. And though I wasn’t sure just what kind of upbringing you could have when dad’s one of the world’s most notorious supervillains for the past eighty years, conventual likely didn’t describe it. I’d let it go until recently, since until a few days ago she’d been technically my protégé in the fine art of villainy, but now that she was sharing my bed and house, being referred to as ‘sir’ didn’t seem necessary.
“Well, consider that you’re not actually my protégé anymore-”
“I’m not?” Glacia said, jolting to ramrod straight. “But, sir! I-“
“I’m not kicking you out,” I said quickly as I placed the toast down on a pair of plates and dished the sizzling eggs beside them. “We’re just not… you know. On that sort of relationship anymore. It can be more casual.”
“I… think I see,” Glacia said, settling down a little.
“Good,” I said, coming up to her and sliding lunch before her. “We have a closer relationship than before, so I think we should adjust to that.”
“Yes, sir. Then, I’m your number two?”
I paused in the middle of sitting down. “My what?”
“Your number two,” Glacia said primly, seeming to warm to the idea as she spoke. “The second in command of your organization. Typically, such a role is given to your most trusted henchman or lover, to carry out your will when you do not have the time to take it upon yourself.”
“Right. Yes. But see-“
“And of course,” Glacia said in growing satisfaction, “it is hardly uncommon for the number two to be in a physical relationship with her master. Indeed, it’s often an even more effective form of teambuilding and closeness of association.”
“It is?”
“Oh yes, sir. It’s difficult to maintain a relationship in the Guild. Especially between villains of equal power. Many second in commands become very close to their leaders.”
“Oh. Interesting,” I said as I took a bite of the toast. I didn’t have a very good idea of the inner workings of the Guild. I’d tried to steer well clear of those psychos until events had forced my hand.
“And naturally,” Glacia said, beginning to cut up her egg with a primness that would make a Victorian governess proud, “I do not expect you to be physically exclusive to me.”
“You did mention that,” I said. Which was true. Glacia had, much to my surprise.
“Of course, sir,” she said, nodding like a lecturer. “I realize that a true villain often has multiple women to satisfy himself. My father’s associate, Orbritron, had a dozen women ably assisting him. I see no reason the mighty Magneron should not have himself an equal number of lovers.”
Well, that was an… interesting perspective. I took another bite of my toast as I mulled over her answer. Truth be told, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with Glacia now. I’d freed her from being returned to her frigid northern prison, but now that she was here with me, that left me in a bit of a bind. I swallowed my toast and clasped my hands before me again.
“Glacia. What… is it you want to do?”
“Serve you, sir,” she said promptly.
Should have expected that one. I shook my head. “No, I mean, what do you want to do now that you can stay here? What’s your career goal? Objective? What is it you want?”
She gave me a befuddled look. “Why, exactly what I told my father, sir. I wish to learn about villainy from you. I seek to be an outstanding villain in every respect, and you are surely the best to instruct me in this. I shall be your shadow, absorbing everything you can teach me, and in turn using those skills to properly and thoroughly menace the heroes of this world. For a reasonable fee, of course.”
I raised a brow. Well, seems she had been learning from me, and not just how to dodge old cans. “I see,” I said, turning it over in my mind. “Well, we can probably figure something out. I have a meeting with Carter soon. I can bring it up with her to see if she has any heroes in need of a villainess.”
“You think I’m ready, sir?” Glacia said hopefully.
“Of course. If it wasn’t for those streeters, you’d already be the hottest new villainess in town,” I said.
“Then I would be delighted to follow your recommendation, sir,” Glacia said, beaming. “But I do ask you do not give me any tasks which might complicate my work as your number two.”
“Right. Yeah. Well, we can see what we can do about that,” I said as I dug into my eggs.
As I ate, I felt the magnetic vibrations of approaching metal. Rings and bangles and chains. Ah. There was only one person walking around the chalet with that amount of bling. I heard the click of heels, and thus didn’t flinch in the slightest when a pair of arms snaked around my neck and a curvy body pressed against my back.
“Heeeey boss.”
“Psyren,” I said, looking over my shoulder and into her impishly devilish face.
“Found my new bedroom,” she said, kissing my cheek. “It’s a nice one. Maybe you and I could break it in?”
“Sir is tired,” Glacia said pointedly, laying down her fork. “We should respect his personal space at this time.”
Psyren glanced at the other woman. “Hey, I do respect it. It’s just that we can have more fun if we’re close.”
“Mmf!”
Psyren looked away from me and towards the sound. Olympia had managed to wriggle upright and was glaring at us. Psyren grinned, chuckling. “Ooooh, looks like someone’s jealous,” she purred, grinding against me.
Olympia gave us an indignant look and furiously shook her head. “Mm mmf!”
“By the way, sir. I was meaning to ask. Who is that?” Glacia asked, looking towards the heroine.
I glanced over at the seething amazon in the corner. “Oh. That’s a whole thing. Don’t worry about her.”
“Is she your hostage?” Glacia asked.
“What? No. She attacked me in the street, so I’m holding onto her until someone comes by to pick her up.”
“To torture her?” Glacia said.
“No! Not to torture her.”
“Just gonna put it out there again, I can totally brainwash her,” Psyren said with a wicked grin at the amazon. “I could make her your obedient love slave like that!” Psyren snapped her fingers, a crackling of telekentic pink spitting like static between her fingers.
I gave her a sharp look. “Absolutely not! That is absolutely not what is going to happen here.”
“You sure, boss?” Psyren said with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “I could make it a lot of fun.”
“What were the rules if I trained you?” I asked the psychic pointedly.
Psyren pouted and, with a dramatic sigh like HR was having her read a confidentiality agreement, said, “No using my powers on you. No using my powers outside of work unless my life’s in danger. And no pineapple on pizza.”
“Har har,” I said. “But the first two are right.”
“Hey Victor?”
Oh, what now? I looked over to the door to find Dolly there, the busty scientist looking uneasy.
“Yeah?” I said.
“Radar just picked up something flying towards us. Looks like a hero.”
Finally. As I got up, I paused. “Wait, we have radar?”
“First thing I set up,” Dolly said, a slight note of chastisement entering her voice. “I was going to triangulate it with your new death ray. You know. So we could blast any enemies coming at us out of the sky.”
“You got a death ray?” Psyren said, giving me an alarmingly intense look.
“I don’t have a death ray!” I shouted.
“But sir!” Glacia said, rising as well. “You must! A death ray is not only an effective deterrent, but it also adds considerable value to the property.”
“That and, I gotta say,” Psyren said, leaning in close again, her breath hot in my ear, “a death ray is just… super hot. We could totally fuck right on top of it. You could even carve my name in the moon! Is there anything more romantic, boss?” Her tongue flicked my earlobe, her breasts squishing against my back. “I’d do soooo many naughty things for a guy who did that for me...”
A shiver of real temptation coursed down my spine at that prospect. Fucking a girl on your weapon of mass destruction was usually reserved for small, despotic Middle Eastern nations and the Pentagon’s annual orgy and cake jamboree. But no. No! A death ray wasn’t something I needed as a villain. I wasn’t that tier. No one who freelanced was. The sort of property damage that incurred was a pretty damn big barrier for entry. Only the Guild and maybe some of the bigger players had tools like that. And I didn’t want to draw that kind of attention to myself. It would just be asking for some nervous or stupid hero to try a pre-emptive strike.
“No death rays,” I said, standing up. I gestured towards Olympia, my magnetic powers lifting the heroine by the metal I’d tied her up with. “Look, I need to take care of this. I’ll be back soon.”
“Fine,” Psyren pouted.
I left the girls to finish the food and floated Olympia out the doors with me. I got outside and made my way to my car, getting out the sword and belt I’d taken off the heroine. Closing the trunk, I squinted at the heavens, picking out a dark dot shooting through the sky, seeming to drag rumbling storm clouds in its wake.
About time.
That dot soon resolved itself into a figure dressed in grey like the colour of stormy skies, lightning crackling off her in a buzz of static. I reflexively reached out with my powers, sensing the magnetic pull of her armour and weapons. She wore a winged helmet over what I could seen see was honey golden hair, and thick chainmail that buzzed with an electric charge. At her side was a mace so loaded with power I could feel my skin tingle just from the ambient electricity.
Wait.
Oh no.
Was that who I thought it was?
With growing horror I watched the figure shoot across the sky and angle down, descending with a crackle. She landed like a thunderbolt, hitting the ground so hard she blasted a small crater in the sod. I winced. Superheroes. Always had to break something to make their big entrance.
I stepped forward as she rose from her crouch, her skin crackling with static, her eyes blazing an electric blue even as the literal electricity died out around her.
“Valkyria,” I said.
“Magneron,” she replied.
Fuck! They sent one of the goddam Heroes of the Earth! Which, in addition to having a terrible acronym, just happened to be the biggest organization of non-corporate heroes in the world.
And now she knew where I lived.
Wonderful.
Valkyria turned her head, looking at the floating Olympia at my side. “Is this her?”
“Yeah. She came at me right after I finished a job,” I said.
“She’s gagged,” Valkyria noted.
“She was mouthy,” I replied.
Valkyira sighed. I couldn’t blame her. Culture shock was always bad for people who just got off the boat from Avalon or whatever. I reached up and pulled out the rag that had been gagging the heroine.
“Release me at once!” Olympia barked. “Villain! I will see thee pay for this humiliation! Sister! Free me, and let us show this accursed foe justice!”
“See?” I said.
“I do.” Valkryia rubbed the back of her head as she walked towards Olympia. She stopped before her, straightening, her expression growing dour. I glanced up, noting the overcast sky was rumbling with growing thunder. Under other circumstances, I’d applaud. There was a reason Valkyria was one of the biggest names in heroing, and it wasn’t just for raw power. She had an excellent grasp of the sort of dramatic air of a true hero.
“Heroine!” Valkyria said, her voice booming in that thunderous way only the divine could manage. “Hear me! I am Valkyria! Daughter of Odin and heir of Thor! Mistress of the Storm! I came to this world in order to right most unjust wrongs, and this day, I have come here to tell you that you have erred most grievously!”
Olympia started back, eyes widening. Well, that was helpful. Every mythological hero tended to be able to sense when they were confronted by another of their own kind. Something instinctive in their essence, and Valkyria was about as divine as you get short of being a literal goddess. She’d shown up decades ago during World War 2 to defend Sweden against Nazi vampires, but been driven off to America when the Germans threw a bunch of Teutonic werewolves at her. The entire war had been a massive clusterfuck in the super front, as the super population practically quadrupled from government experiments, awakening national heroes, and the like. These days, she kept guard with the Heroes of Earth against major global threats. Giant monsters. Alien invasions. I think she also had a nemesis or two who were in the Guild of Villainous Foes. I’d thankfully had few encounters with her or the rest of the HoE, and that was fine by me.
I looked again at Olympia. She struck me as a low tier mythical being. An amazon, nymph, something like that. Probably didn’t even have an actual mythic cycle she belonged to. You got a lot of those bleeding into the real world now and then. The gods themselves rarely got involved in reality anymore. Officially because people believed in them less, but I suspected it was to protect their pride. Would kind of suck for Zeus to show up with big fanfare just to get clobbered by some guy from Brooklyn who took a bath in chemical waste.
“But… but he was threatening the people,” Olympia said.
“Sister of the gods,” Valkyria said, resting a hand on Olympia’s shoulder. “You have much to learn about the world of men. But you are not alone. I shall aid you in this, and teach you of this mortal realm.”
Olympia bowed her head, and with that I finally released her bindings. The metal bent off her with audible creaks, hitting the ground with a dull thunk.
I handed over Olympia’s belt and sword, Valkyria taking them with a nod. She reached out and grasped Olympia around the waist, tugging the would-be heroine to her side. “Is there anything else you wish to speak to me of?” Valkyria asked me.
“No, that was it,” I said.
She nodded, then looked up to the sky. Lifting her hand, she tensed, then leaped into the air. Blue electricity surged around her, lifting her like a reverse lightning strike with an audible boom!
I watched them go until they were out of sight. Then I looked back down and at the two new craters in my front lawn.
Well.
Guess I better get a shovel and fill those in. A villain’s work was never done…