Chapter 6
I stepped into the dark shop and then stopped on the threshold in confusion. I’d been expecting something like the clothing stores back home, but instead of brightly-lit displays and a smiling salesperson, the room was dark and apparently empty. The whole place smelled like mothballs and dust, and I had the sudden urge to turn around and leave before I got sucked into buying something unfashionable and uncomfortable.
I could hear a whir coming from the back, but other than that, it seemed like the place hadn’t been touched in years. I tried not to sneeze as I looked around the room, which was filled with tiny clothing fit for gnomes and elves, but nowhere near big enough to fit a human teenager, let alone a human man.
“McNally!” Babble called out. “McNally, it’s me, Babble!”
“Dammit!” a shrill voice came from the backroom, and I heard what sounded like boxes falling.
A cloud of dust exploded like a miniature atomic bomb, and the gnome and I coughed before an elf appeared before us through the fog.
Just like the others of his kind, he had white-blond hair and stood at about four feet tall. But he looked very old, and had a wrinkled face and a long crooked nose. He was wearing a black robe that came to just above the ankles, and I could see that his nails were long and yellow.
“It really is you,” the elf sighed.
He seemed undeterred by the amount of dust in the store, which was impressive to me, because my eyes were already beginning to itch like I had hay fever.
“You’re right, it is me,” Babble smiled.
I appreciated the gnome’s disregard for social cues and decided that it was probably better to let him do the talking. After all, I wasn’t the one who had a favor to call in.
“What is it that you want?” the elf sneered.
“You remember April of last year?” Babble asked, and he started to twirl his beard slowly in his hands.
“April…” the elf replied, and he looked down at the ground. “Yes, April…”
His expression darkened, and he rolled his eyes and attempted to strut back into the back of the store.
“Ah, so you do remember,” Babble called after him. “That will make things much easier.”
“Fine,” the elf finally sighed and then turned around. “But I was hoping that you wouldn’t. You had a lot of wine on that night.”
“I did,” Babble laughed. “But I will never forget a promise made to me! Isn’t that impressive?”“For you, perhaps,” the elf sniffed, and he cast a hateful look at me before turning back to Babble. “What do you want?”“You know what I want,” Babble said with a smile.
I looked down at the tiny gnome and tried to make sense of it all. He wasn’t really friends with his kind, and yet people all over town owed him favors. If I had been back in the States, I would’ve pinned him as some kind of petty criminal, or even a mob guy. Even though he seemed harmless on the surface, it was clear that he was not a conventional member of Hagop society.
But I didn’t have many more friends in town, and whether I liked it or not, it was better to be tied to someone who knew the place from the inside out. Even if we weren’t best friends forever, I probably couldn’t ask for a better guy to show me the ropes when I was fresh out of the river. I didn’t want to think about abandoning my brand-new boss yet, but it was clear that there was something about him that set him apart from the rest. Whether that was good or bad was something I’d figure out later.
“Come to the back,” the elf groaned, and he cast a look at me. “If you can fit, of course.”
Man. I’d never been fat-shamed in my life, and yet these elves seemed to have it out for me, even if I hadn’t said a single word yet.
“I’ll try my best, kind sir,” I said with a big old smile.
The elf scowled at me before taking us through the store to a small cupboard-like nook in the back. Of course, the nasty little creature was right, and there was no way in hell that I would fit in there.
I sighed as I looked into the back room, where I could see another elf slaving away at a sewing machine that he was powering with a treadle. It was the kind of thing that I’d only seen in antique stores back in Portland, and I was quickly reminded that some things were definitely easier with electricity.
“Barty,” McNally said, and the fastidious elf didn’t even look up. “Barty, stop right now!”
The skinny elf shook his head like he’d been awakened from a trance and scrambled to his feet. He brought his pale hand to his forehead like a sailor and addressed McNally.
“Yes, sir!” Barty shouted before he realized that a gnome and a human were standing before him, and he scrambled backwards for a second before regaining his balance. “Oh, customers! Hello, customers. Nice to meet you.”
“You fool,” McNally growled. “Babble has come to make good on an old favor that I’d hoped he would forget about.”
“You’re very funny, as always, McNally,” Babble replied with an uneasy laugh. “But I’m a gnome, after all. Never forget a bet, a bet we never forget! I have a large human here, and he needs to be clad in the finest that Hagop has to offer.”
“Then why don’t you go to a human tailor?” McNally sneered as he eyed me.
“Because I don’t have any favors in my books with human tailors, McNally,” Babble said. “Surely you know that. And you’re known as the finest suit-maker in the city. You don’t think I’d associate with… inferior craftsmanship, do you?”
The elf shrugged, and his expression softened. I could tell that Babble was trying to appease the elf despite his hatred for humans.
“He’s a giant,” the sewing elf, Barty, giggled. He looked me over and started to wring his hands. “A very big giant. I’ve never seen a giant so tall before! He looks freakish!”
“Thank you,” I answered. “That makes me feel great.”
“I’m sure you can come up with something,” Babble added. “After all, no designer is as innovative as you. It would be a feat of engineering.”
“You’re right,” McNally answered, and his eyes twinkled with delight. “It would be a work of genius.”
“And there’s nobody more fit to do it,” Babble persuaded him. “Nobody in Hagop has ever suited a giant.”
“Leave it with me,” McNally said, and he rushed over to a table covered with bolts of cloth.
The tailor returned with a roll of burgundy colored fabric and shoved it at Barty like it was a rat he’d caught poking through his store.
“Make this monstrosity a suit,” he said. “King’s cut, bell sleeves, forty-three by forty-seven. And if you’re slow about it, I’ll fish slap you.”
“Of course,” Barty squeaked as he grabbed the roll of fabric and started to chop at it with a pair of rusty scissors.
I didn’t want to condone slave labor, but I had to admit that I was grateful that my new employer had deigned to use his favor to buy me a new suit. I would never blend in completely because of my height, but I might at least be able to look like a local and not like someone who’d gotten lost on the brewery tour.
“If you’ll just give me a moment,” McNally said, and he ushered Babble and I back into the main space of the store.
Babble and I shrugged at each other, and then we walked around and perused what they had to offer. It seemed to mainly be a purveyor of velvet cloaks and tiny suits, but all of them looked well-made.
“This is all fine work, McNally,” Babble called out as he patted the sleeve of a pink velvet dress. “I can’t wait to tell the townsfolk that you’re the first to suit a giant.”
He looked up at me and winked, and I could tell that he was working a particular kind of manipulative magic on the elf.
“Me, neither,” McNally rushed back with a green glass bottle and some glasses. “May I treat you to a glass of brandy?”
I looked down at the elf, who had apparently been flattered into submission.
“I’d love a glass,” I said, and the elf started to pour the liquid into little glasses on the counter.
I mean, if this was a research trip, I still wanted to see what kind of libations Hagop had to offer. And I didn’t know when or if an elf would be nice to me again, so this seemed like a good time to find out what made the elves happy.
McNally handed a glass to me and to Babble, poured one for himself, and held it up to us.
“To a new suit,” he said and then gave me a curt smile.
I could tell that even though he loved the title of suit maker for a giant, he still hated having to associate with a human.
“A new suit,” I nodded and took a sip of the liquid.
It immediately burned the roof of my mouth and the back of my throat. The closest thing I’d ever had in Portland was a mezcal negroni, but this stuff just seemed like ginger-tinged rocket fuel. I tried my best not to cough again as I took a few more sips.
“Wow,” Babble choked, and he tried to smile despite the obvious pain he was in. “This is very strong.”
“Yes, it’s Jeeves House,” the elf said, and he took a hearty sip as if the stuff was water. “It’s very delicate, isn’t it?”
“Psychos,” I said under my breath, and the elf looked up at me with a sleepy smile.
“What was that?” he asked.
“Like roses,” I told him, despite the fact that my eyes were watering. “Very delicate.”
“Ah, yes,” the elf nodded. “It really is. I can’t wait to see what Jeeves House brings to the festival this year.”
The gnome looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and burped, but I could only shrug. So far this town seemed like one big party, but if I wanted to be a part of it, I had to take care of business first.
“Sir!” a tired voice piped up from the store cupboard. “Sir, take a look at this!”
“One moment,” McNally smiled, and he scurried away into the backroom.
“We’re never going to get anything done if we keep drinking all day,” I whispered to the gnome. “I still need to get my grains and my hops!”
“You need to fit in a little more if you want to get anywhere in this town,” Babble assured me before hiccuping. “Or shrink, but that’s less likely. Don’t worry, we’ll get there in time. Everyone here owes me a favor.”
I rolled my eyes and let out a large sigh. I liked Hagop so far, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that it also seemed like one big fever dream, and the weirdness never stopped.
“Behold!” a voice came from the back of the store, and McNally reappeared.
The elf was using a cane to hold up a human-sized suit so it wouldn’t drag on the floor.
I couldn’t believe that the tired elf had made such quick work of my suit, and every detail down to the stitching was certainly as fine as all the others that were on display in the store. I found myself looking at a burgundy colored tunic and a pair of loose pants that luckily didn’t look anywhere near as tight as the ones that I had seen some of the guys on the street wearing.
There were also a few decorative brass buttons along the front of the tunic that glinted in the sparse rays of sunshine in the store, and there was a faint pattern in the fabric of the pants. It wasn’t my usual look, but overall, I was happy with the work, and I felt a grin stretch across my face.
“It’s amazing,” I smiled. “It’s really something.”
“Well, you can save your compliments for when you try the thing on,” Babble said. “Which I suggest you do now. Not that I don’t like attention when walking down the street, but it’s only nice when it’s the right kind of attention. And getting stares because your clothes look like something pulled from a rag bag is not the right kind of attention.”
The gnome had a good point, and even the elf was nodding in agreement. Both creatures scowled at my jeans and t-shirt and then exchanged a quick look with each other.
“Come with me,” McNally said and led me to the back of the shop again.
The small room with the sewing machine was barely tall enough to fit all of me inside, but I slumped down while I pulled off my old clothes. McNally sniffed when he saw my boxers, but he handed me the suit without comment and then left me to change.
I took the suit in my hands and realized that the fabric was a very soft velvet. I’d never owned anything so nice back in Portland, but then again, velvet wasn’t something people still wore. I ran my hand over the suit for a moment, and then pulled it on.
The tunic felt like a cloud against my skin, and the cotton tee suddenly seemed like cheap, rough material. A quick look in the mirror revealed that the color was actually quite complimentary, and I found myself grinning.
I glanced down at the jeans and t-shirt, and though the new clothing was comfortable, I wasn’t quite ready to give up on my old rags just yet. So I folded them up and tucked them under my arm as I stepped back into the front of the shop.
Babble and McNally’s eyes widened as they turned around, and for a moment, I thought they would ask me to catwalk around the store. Both men nodded as they took in the view, and Babble even gave me a wink.
“Oh, it’s really something,” McNally nodded, and a sickly grin passed over his pallid face. “You look like the most handsome giant in town.”
“Superior craftsmanship,” I said to the sewing elf, who was inspecting the cuffs of one of his red suits.
“Oh?” he said as he turned around. “Oh! Why thank you, Sir. It is my pleasure and obligation.”
McNally shot him a sneer, and the other elf shook his head and gave himself a slap on the cheek.
“Not obligation,” the sewer insisted. “Hmm… celebration.”
“Fool,” McNally muttered. “But yes, you look like a most accomplished giant. And you won’t be needing those anymore.”
He pointed at the folded pile of clothes that I was holding, and for a second, I felt a pang of homesickness.
If I let go of the pile, I would be getting rid of the last things that tied me to my old home. I was effectively admitting that I was now a resident of Hagop, with no real plans to find a way back to Portland.
Well, maybe it wasn’t really that serious, but it certainly felt momentous. I told myself that the suit was just to help me blend in until I figured out how to return to the great state of Oregon, and then I could buy all the t-shirts and jeans I needed to fit in again.
I took a deep breath and pulled the jeans and old t-shirt from under my arm. I knew it was time for me to become a real Hagoparian, or Hagopite, or Hagopman, and I couldn’t do that if I spent all my time worrying about how to get home.
“Here ya’ go,” I said and then handed the clothes to McNally, who snatched them out of my hands.
“Quite an unfamiliar material,” he said to himself as he fingered the jeans. “I’ve never seen anything like it…”
“It’s called denim,” I told him. “It’s pretty common where I’m from. By the way, what do you call people from Hagop? Are they Hagopites?”
“Hagoppers,” Babble laughed. “And my, don’t you look splendid! The farmers will be willing to sell you as much as you need now because you look like a man who can afford it. As for our business, McNally, I think we can agree that all of your dues have been paid off.”
“Of course,” the elf replied, and he rolled his eyes. “I must say, this has been a most entertaining day. And giant, whenever they ask you who made a suit as fine as that, tell them that it was McNally, and that they can always come here for the suit that will last them a lifetime. Every wedding, every funeral…”
“Thank you McNally!” Babble shouted, and the bell started to jingle as he opened the door.
I gave the two shifty elves a wave and smile before following the gnome back out onto the bustling Hagop street. The sun almost blinded my eyes after the dark shop, but I didn’t care. It was a gorgeous day in a gorgeous town, and now I finally felt like a real Hagopper.
“I say, you look quite dashing in that!” Babble laughed. “I’m sure that Flora the baker girl will appreciate it.”
I looked down at the fabric, which sparkled in the sunlight. Even though the material was quite heavy and decadent, I didn’t feel too hot, and I wondered if the elves had used some kind of magic on it. Not that I’d seen any magic since I’d been here, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was such a thing.
As for Flora, I had to admit that I was looking forward to showing her my outfit. And Hildegard as well. I couldn’t believe I’d only met two women in town so far and they were two of the most beautiful women that I’d ever seen in my life. I had no idea if the rest of this world was like Hagop, but if it was, I certainly couldn’t imagine leaving it.
“Thanks Babble,” I laughed, and I noticed that some of the women were starting to look over and blush.
I was the tallest guy in town, I had a brand-new suit, and I felt like nothing in the world could stop me.
Damn, I was good.
“And now to the Rover Mill!” Babble laughed as he twirled down the sidewalk.
By now, the town of Hagop was in full swing. Street vendors were selling every variety of fresh autumn fruit from apples to pumpkins, and they bartered with their customers with cheerful smiles. Ladies in long dresses were hustling children with slates and books into what looked like a local church to go to school. I could hear bells ringing in the distance, and the cool river breeze tingled the inside of my nostrils and reminded me of the delicious fish stew that I’d made the evening before.
“What a glorious day,” Babble sighed happily as he waved to a group of women. “A perfect day for me to introduce you to the beauty of Hagop.”
“I’ll say,” I laughed. “It’s absolutely gorgeous out here.”
The scent of cinnamon started to tingle my nose, and I followed my senses to see that it was coming from a stall with a big tin pot carefully positioned over a fire. I peered into the pot and saw what looked like red wine gently bubbling while sprigs of thyme, rosemary, and cinnamon sticks bobbed around. I could see chopped up apples and oranges as well, and I drank in the heavenly scent when a man with a ladle stirred the pot.
“What’s that?” I asked Babble. “It smells so delicious.”
“Spice wine,” he answered. “But just as you said, we can’t drink any more today. At least, not until a little later.”
“No, you’re certainly right about that,” I agreed, however good the stuff smelled.
The gnome was moving again, and I trotted after him. It only took me a few steps to catch up with him, and then I was able to slow down and look around as we made our way along the cobbled street. I knew we were reaching the outskirts of the town when the buildings were spread further apart and chickens could be seen walking along the road.
“Not much farther now to the mill,” Babble declared. “And not a moment too soon. I don’t trust these chickens.”
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” I asked as the gnome pressed close against me.
“What?” he asked in a confused voice as he tried to swat one of the birds. “Do you mean the bridge?”
“Never mind,” I sighed. “It’s a joke back where I come from.”
“Well, it’s not very funny,” he said. “Chickens are no joke here, especially for gnomes. My cousin was killed by a rooster.”
“Was he at a cock fight?” I asked.
“Yes,” Babble admitted. “It’s not the most upstanding hobby in the world, but us gnomes are just so good at placing bets that it’s hard to resist any game of chance. Some of the humans don’t like that, though. They think that our luck comes from a history of gnomes worshiping the devil.”
“Is that true?” I asked. “Because I have no idea how you can just acquire good luck.”
“Of course it’s not true,” the gnome scoffed. “It’s just how we’re made. If I could explain it, then I would. Look, there’s the mill over there.”
We passed the last few houses, and the rolling fields stretched out before us. I was surprised just how close the city and countryside were, but then again, it wasn’t like Hagop had suburbs.
I could see a few big windmills in the distance, but the mill we were interested in was situated on a large stream that branched off of the Hagop River. The wheel was slowly turning, and I could hear the creak of the wood as it moved in its unending circle.
A small flock of sheep were grazing on one of the last patches of green grass nearby, and several crows were sitting on top of some nearby hay bales. The air smelled like soil and alfalfa, and as we neared the mill, I could smell the grain as well.
“Looks beautiful,” I said.
“You won’t be saying that in a moment,” Babble replied.
A moment later, I saw what he meant. The mill wasn’t bustling with more cute animals and happy washerwomen. From what I could see, it looked like the place was full of dwarves.
They must’ve gotten wind of me just as soon as I saw them, because one of the dwarves whispered something to the other, and then five of the short men, all clad in the same green uniforms and floppy red hats, turned around and scowled.
“Don’t pay them any mind, Tyler,” Babble said.
“I’m used to attracting attention around here as a giant by now,” I said and shrugged. “If they want to try and make an enemy of me, then that’s on them. But I’m just going to mind my own business.
“A very respectable plan of action,” Babble nodded. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
Babble and I joined the crowd of dwarves that were gathered around the brown barn. I tried not to pay attention to whatever they were whispering to each other, but it was pretty hard.
“--never seen anyone like that here before,” a voice wafted over.
I rolled my eyes but refused to acknowledge them. These guys really had to get used to seeing people that didn’t look anything like them. I mean, the world was a damn big place, and I was glad that I’d experienced more diversity in my life.
“Oh, come, Romolo,” one of them said, and the small creature bent back and peered at me.
Something was different about this dwarf. It was like he wasn’t intimidated by me, or even suspicious. Instead, he looked me over and sized me up like an avocado that he was testing to buy from the supermarket.
“What are you doing?” one of the other dwarves spat.
The not-scared dwarf rolled his eyes and dragged his feet over to me. He studied me with one eye like that would somehow make me look shorter.
“Sir,” Babble said and suddenly bowed to the dwarf. “Forgive me for not recognizing you right away.”
Okay, so clearly the dwarf wielded some power in Hagop, and I wondered if I was supposed to bow as well.
“Greetings,” the dwarf said to me as he ignored the gnome. “I thought that I knew everybody in this town, but it appears not. What is your name?”
“I’m Tyler,” I said. “Tyler King.”
“A King?” He raised an eyebrow.
“It’s just my family name,” I assured him. “I’m not really a king.”
Well, for all he knew, I was about to start the most successful brewery known to man. And then perhaps I would really be the King of the brewers. But for now, that didn’t really matter.
“King,” he nodded. “Well, it appears that you are new to the city. My name is Pyotr House.”
My ears perked up, and I recognized him as the current master brewer who had won all of the competitions for the last four years.
“Pyotr House,” I repeated. “I’ve heard many very good things about your beer. Your reputation precedes you. I myself am looking to become a brewer.”
Suddenly, all the dwarf chattering stopped, and the entire barn went silent. I could see a few of them turn around to each other before the giggling started.
“A giant,” someone sputtered, and suddenly even Pyotr House was on the floor cackling.
Within the space of a few seconds, the place turned into absolute mayhem. I could barely hear myself over the scratchy cackling of all of these dwarves, who obviously had pretty firm preconceptions about just who should be doing the brewing in town.
“A human brewing beer!” one of them sobbed with laughter, and his friend slapped him on the back.
Man. Apparently, I could’ve started a career in comedy to fund my beer just by telling them my true intentions. But I didn’t like the idea of feeding their low view of human beer, even if it did work to my advantage for the moment.
“My apologies,” Pyotr said as he got up and dusted himself off.
He looked back at his friends, who tried their best to stop giggling but could barely manage it.
“That’s fine,” I groaned. “Everyone here thinks the same.”
“No, no, I cannot wait to taste your brew at the festival,” the dwarf said, obviously unfazed.
He wiped a tear from his eye and then returned to his friends, who were looking at the sacks of grain on the ground.
“It’s better this way,” Babble said. “Because otherwise, he would be working on schemes to ensure your loss. But luckily, Pyotr House is so full of himself that he doesn’t believe you could be a real threat.”
“I agree,” I nodded, but I still got the feeling that these dwarves wouldn’t be too happy about my newfound occupation.
We moved forward in the line, where a few tired-looking farmers were shoving off big sacks of grain. They were wearing straw hats and canvas tunics covered in straw and muck, but despite the bags under their eyes they looked happy with their work, and they were nice to the dwarves. Most of the small, hubristic creatures grabbed their sacks and ran off to their carts and donkeys once the money had been paid, so we moved pretty quickly to the front of the line.
It was all going well until the dwarf in front of us turned around and gave me a stony gaze.
“Hello,” he growled as he studied me. “Why are you here?”
“Hi there,” I smiled. “I’m here to buy some supplies. What’s your name?”
“Pah!” He spat on the ground and moved up one in the line. “My name is Cassian.”
“Nice to meet you, Cassian,” I replied with the biggest, dorkiest smile I could manage.
He looked at me and Babble suspiciously, and then he huffed to himself as he turned to place his order for the grains. He grunted as he accepted the bag, and then he lugged it away to his cart.
“Last order of the day,” the farmer coughed, and he gave us a tired smile. “You want a brewing portion? That’ll be ten silver.”
“Please,” I said, and I looked down to Babble, who still held my charge for the day.
The dreamy look in his eye disappeared, and he shook his head and produced a small sack of silver coins from his pocket.
“Here you are!” the gnome said as he plopped them down on the table.
“And here’s the barley,” the two farmers said as they lifted a massive sack onto the table.
Luckily for me, I wasn’t as small as a dwarf, so I slung the sack over my shoulders with ease. But when I looked behind me back at the town, I knew it was far too heavy to carry all the way back to the town by myself.
“Any chance we could hitch a ride back into town with someone?” I asked Babble. “You seem to have a lot of friends everywhere. Maybe there’s someone nearby who might lend us a cart.”
“Oh, there’s no chance that a dwarf will want to take you back to the town,” Babble laughed. “But perhaps we can find a human.”
We stepped back into the blazing afternoon sunlight. It might’ve been the beginning of fall, but the summer sun still shone down on us and started to make my back sweat.
I looked around for a cart that might be free to take us back, but I only saw a few donkeys grazing near the sheep.
We approached the donkeys and waited around for a couple of minutes. The town was a lot quieter now that the sun was at its peak and most of the townspeople had gone inside, and I sighed as I realized I might have to lug the sack all the way back after all.
“I might sweat to death out here,” Babble choked, and he removed his hat and started to pat his neck. “I can’t wait for the harvest. The sun is beautiful, alright, but it’s been here long enough for one season…”
“Hey there, friends,” someone shouted out.
I looked toward the voice and saw a tall man with long dark hair and a dark beard. He was dressed like a farmer in a canvas tunic and a straw hat, and he was playing one of those twangy little jaw harps. More importantly, he was riding a cart pulled by a donkey.
“Will!” Babble laughed. “Oh, Will, I hoped you’d be here!”