The Hall of Heroes
I drove up into the lot and parked my car between a motorbike and some sort of mystical cloud, got out, and took a look.
Well, there it was. The Hall of Heroes.
They’d sat the damn thing near the outskirts of Metro City so it wouldn’t be overshadowed by the skyscrapers, and it surely was an impressive setup. It was a massive complex of domed buildings sprawling out of a central hub, all glass and steel and white curves like something straight out of Tomorrowland, and probably to be outdated just as quickly. That was the problem with trying to predict the future, everyone aside from the Simpsons inevitably got it wrong. Instead of personal robot butlers, you just got Iphones, invasive social media and looming corporate monopolies.
Glacia got out as well, her cold eyes scanning the building with considerably less awe than me. Not too surprising. Given she was raised in the Winter Palace, the Hall of Heroes probably looked quaint to her. I still wasn’t completely sold on bringing her, but it could have been worse if it had been the other two. Dolly would probably try and hack into the mainframe and Psyren would have been sure to piss someone off just for fun. I shut the door to my Civic and looked up at the sprawling complex with ill ease. No armour deployed. I came in a pair of jeans, a jacket and, reluctantly, a tie. I wasn’t even sure why I wore the thing. Maybe some instinctive effort at self-defence. See! No magnetic supervillains here. We’re all just civilians. You wouldn’t hurt a civilian, would you? Of course not. A menacing monologue? Me? No, never! I can’t even spell it.
Alright, enough of that. I shook off the jitters, working to calm myself. They had nothing on me. I was good. Everything was going to be fine.
“Let’s go,” I said to Glacia.
“Yes, sir,” she said, following at a pace as I started off towards the main doors, which were reached by a set of imposing steps that weren’t very wheelchair accessible.
I found Valkyria waiting at the top of the steps, the heroine standing at ease. She was dressed like a true Norse goddess of storms, her mail armour faintly buzzing with static, her skirt high and exposing her thighs, her helmet winged. Honey blonde hair tumbled around a face attractive but stern. The face of a warrior goddess, and the figure of one too. Though she didn’t lack for curves, her body was toned and powerful, her blue eyes crackling as they fell on me. One of the two living founding members of the Heroes of Earth, she had been fighting to save the world since before the age of heroes began in the 1800’s. A powerful presence, and not just because she wielded the might of the Norse gods. Her reputation meant her opinion had a lot of heft in many circles.
She didn’t smile, but merely nodded, a hand on her hip, but not near the handle of her power mace, I noticed. “Magneron,” she said. “So glad you could come by.”
“Hard to say no to an invitation from the Heroes of Earth,” I said.
“That’s true,” she said, glancing at Glacia. Her eyes narrowed. “And this is…”
“My second,” I said, planting myself between them. “She came with me.”
“I see. Then-“
“Before we get started,” I said quickly. “I want some guarantees. I came here in good faith, but I want your word I’m walking back out those doors. I didn’t come here just so you could slap a pair of cuffs on me or trap me inside.”
Valkyria’s lips twitched with either a frown or a smile, I couldn’t tell, and she nodded. “Very well,” she said. “I swear to you that we are merely here to talk, for today. I will see the both of you leave this building.”
“Not in bodybags, right?”
“No.”
Well, that was probably the best I was going to get. “Alright,” I said, gesturing for her to lead on. “Shall we?”
She nodded and she started off towards the building.
I followed her towards the entrance. I wasn’t exactly sure what we were going to talk about. After I’d dealt with Teklin, Dolly’s psychotic former boss and superarms dealer, Valkyria had shown up and surveyed the damage, and my new death ray. She’d been pretty clear that I was going to have some questions that needed answering about the whole ‘villain lair and villainesses’ thing, but what those questions were I was at a bit of a loss. Even though I was a freelancer, getting invited to talk to one of the biggest hero associations around wasn’t exactly encouraging. But I hadn’t done anything illegal since getting out of prison years ago.
Aside from the murders.
But those were all self-defence. Well, that was the argument, anyway. When a streeter or another villain came after me, and it came down to me or them, sorry, but I’d put them in the fucking ground. I’d always taken care of the bodies afterwards, and it hadn’t been an issue yet. And I was pretty sure the HoE didn’t know about it. They definitely wouldn’t have let me come by on my own recognizance if they thought I’d be real trouble. Heroes were not exactly known for their impulse control when it came to capturing villains.
The glass doors leading inside confronted us, sliding open automatically, and in I stepped into the heart of hero society in Metro City.
The interior was impressive, I had to give it that. Although I had a strong preference to buildings of a more imposingly evil and spiky sort, the Hall of Heroes certainly lived up to its hype. The receiving room was huge, topped with a dome and the air within it filled with a hologram of earth, along with a ribbon reading Heroes of Earth wrapped around it like a studio’s brand. The floor was polished to a mirror shine and several towering doors led deeper into the building.
A number of costumed heroes wandered around the main hall. None of the big names I noticed, and they paid us little attention. So far so good. “Nice place,” I said.
“The Hall of Heroes is the headquarters for those who would protect the world against the great villains and menaces that threaten it,” Valkyria said as she led us deeper into the building. “Not only human, alien, or mythic, but also natural disasters and the like.”
“Uh huh,” I said, scanning the interior. The Hall of Heroes was also, quite plainly, a tourist trap. There were dozens of civvies crowding the place, phones out, taking pictures as they were shepherded about by tour guides. The sunlight filtering through from the dome flashed across the polished floors as we moved into an adjoining hallway lined by towering statues of heroes past. There was the Masked Avenger, Plutonium Man, The Incredible Boulder…
“Those who have left us in the fight against evil,” Valkyria said as we walked through.
“Yeah, I remember,” I said.
“But it is not only the old heroes who inhabit our halls,” Valkyria said as we were scanned by a security door, which opened a moment later. “For the Heroes of Earth are not only concerned with the training of today’s heroes, but tomorrow’s as well.”
We stepped out into a truly massive space. Built like a sports arena and open to the air above, below us was a field of sand and some arena blocks. Dummies were being vaporized or pulverized by a number of young men and women. Heroes all, by the look of their powers and costumes. As we passed along the perimeter, I noticed some clustered around one teenaged hero in tight gym clothes holding his phone. I could just make out the screen, which was showing Psyren on stage during her recent performance at Orion’s Octagon. I couldn’t help but shake my head and grin. That girl sure knew how to get attention.
Sadly, my good mood didn’t last long, because soon after I spotted Olympia among the trainees, and that was far from a welcome sight. She was a new mythic hero, and on her first day in town had tried to ambush me after a job, at which point I showed her the difference between Olympus and the streets. Heroism was a fine thing, but it could get the stupid killed. Fortunately she learned fast. Or, at least, hadn’t fucked with me again, but she’d made no secret of the fact she didn’t like me. She was a classically Greek beauty with the sharp nose and features, but her strength was something else. Dressed in a tight chest piece and a leather skirt reminiscent of a Roman legionnaire, she glowed faintly thanks to the divine belt she wore. She threw forward a punch, shattering a wooden training dummy in a single blow.
“We train the next generation vigorously in the proper use of their abilities,” Valkyria said as we walked past the field. “Practice is essential to mastering their powers.”
“I bet,” I said, noticing that Olypmia had spotted us, and the hostility instantly on her face. Hoo boy. Better get this moving along. “Look, is there a reason other than the grand tour you invited me here?” I said. “I’m not exactly keen to have stopped by.”
“Yes. There is,” she said, directing us further inside. “We have a meeting with Mister Invincible.”
I stopped dead.
“What?” I said, instantly tensing up. “What does he want to see me for?”
Valkyria gave me a measured look. “That is what the meeting will be about. Now, shall we?”
I guessed so, but was considerably less sold on this whole thing now. I was meeting with Mister Invincible?
The Mister Invincible?
Oh fuck. Things had just gotten a lot more serious. He was the brains and willpower behind the founding of the Heroes of the Earth after the Zeebrax alien invasion of ‘89. Realizing the old ‘national’ hero system wasn’t working, he’d advocated for a global network of them, even working with the UN for a while before he split off it. He was the sort of hero a guy like me would never be important enough to fight, and for good reason. He had a very firm opinion that heroes should battle for the good of the world, beyond the purview of individual nations, creeds and companies. And never for profit.
Needless to say, a lofty goal, and an inspiration, but not too practical when Nike is waving wads of cash in front of most heroes. Still, he was undeniably one of the biggest heroes in the world, and certainly much too important to bother with whatever penny ante shit I was about. So why was he sitting in? Oh, I didn’t like this. I didn’t like this at all.
“Sir?” Glacia said uneasily.
“Let’s just stay cool here,” I hissed under my breath.
“Is that code, sir?” Glacia said, lowering her voice as well. “Do you need me to freeze the hallways for us to make a getaway?”
“What? No! No way. We’re staying calm here, Glacia. We are not freaking out.”
“I am calm sir.”
“Oh. Good. Makes one of us, then.”
“Are you coming?” Valkyria said from where she’d stopped further up the hall, giving us a puzzled look.
“Yep! Of course. Right behind you,” I said, hastening after her. Shit. Shiiiiiiit. This was not good. Not good at all. What the hell could he want with me? Nothing good I bet. Fuck! Would the other upper ranked members of the HoE show up too? Was I going to get drilled by Hot Stuff, the Rubbernecker, and the Brute as well?
Dammit! I did not need this today.
Valkyria gave me a shrewd look and I tried to smile encouragingly. I must have managed it, as she then led us up a hallway and to a seamless door, stopping outside of it. “We wish to speak to you alone,” she said with a pointed look at Glacia.
Glacia drew herself up, eyes narrowing. “I do not obey you.”
Ugh. Just one thing after another. I was starting to think I should have just skipped this whole thing, come hell or high water. I rubbed my face. “Glacia?” I said. “It’ll be fine. I’ll be out soon.”
She plainly didn’t like it, but nodded in the end. “I… Yes, sir. I understand. I will wait here.”
“Thanks. Well?” I said to Valkyria.
She nodded and passed her hand over the door, making it slide into the wall with a faint hissing sound. I was expecting a typical interrogation room with a huge, metal table and a pair of chairs too light to be thrown around and do any damage, but instead it was a politely appointed meeting room with a large screen in the far wall and an oval table in the middle. It looked more like the sort of room you’d plan a new product launch than interrogate the bad guy, which was a little encouraging but, admittedly, not a whole lot.
In the office was Mister Invincible himself. I recognized him at once. He might hate brands and deals, but the man wouldn’t have gotten as far as he had if he didn’t know how to market himself. He was a large man, very top heavy, but solidly built. Muscles corded his arms and he was dressed in the sleek, form fitting cape and spandex of a true hero. A huge red I cut a line down his chest, outlined against a blue background. Blonde haired, he had a lantern jaw and bristly mustache, the kind that suggested a 70’s porn star.
“Well!” he shouted, grinning ear to ear in a way that suggested the asylum was short a patient. “It if isn’t the amazing Magneron! Great to meet you!” he shouted, grabbing my hand and enthusiastically shaking it.
I tried not to wince as he almost crushed my fingers in his grip. “Is it?” I said warily.
“Of course! Hahaha! But you probably don’t know me.”
“Actually-“
“It’s the glasses! But I am indeed Rick Steele! But you know me as Mister Invincible! Long ago, I was struck by a meteor, and discovered that nothing could harm me. Want to see? Here!” He suddenly grabbed a tire iron from off the table and shoved it into my hand. “Wail on me with that. Crack me over the head with it. It’ll be fun!”
I looked at the crooked piece of metal he’d given me, then back to him.
“Uh… no thanks. I’m good,” I said, giving it back to him.
“Come on. Then here!” he said, widening his stance and pointing at his crotch. “Kick me in the balls! Give it a good punt! C’mon! I won’t even feel it!”
Alright, this wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I turned back to Valkyria for some rock of sanity. “So, can we start? Or…”
“Yes, it’s time to begin. Richard? Please.”
“Aw, you’re no fun. But the offer is still on the table!” he said with another blast of a smile before he spun around a chair and took a seat, arms folded as he looked at me expectantly.
“Sure,” I said, taking a seat across from him.
Only once I was settled did I notice the other man in the room. Mister Invincible, unsurprisingly sucked up a lot of attention, so I wasn’t too surprised I hadn’t seen him. The quiet man was extremely bland, dressed in a well pressed grey suit, sporting a flat haircut and a pair of spectacles. Not big, not tall, just… extremely average. Even his eyes were an almost colourless grey, his square face locked in an expression of general indifference. The only thing that stood out on him was the piano key tie he wore, and even that seemed blander just by its presence on him.
“Uh,” I said.
“John Blend,” he said with a voice like the drone of a fan. “My friends call me Johnny.”
“Hi,” I said.
“Hope you don’t mind! Had Johnny sit in on this,” Mister Invincible said brightly. “He’s our man with the plan! Does all the paper work-y stuff so we can focus on punching the bad guys. Wachow!” he said, shadow boxing.
Valkyria remained standing behind the desk and nearer the screen, looming over the table a bit. “When I informed Richard that I was bringing you in, he insisted on attending the meeting. Now, if we could begin...”
“Are you a villain!” Mister Invincible suddenly shouted, bolting to his feet.
I leaned back a bit. “Well… yes,” I said.
“Aha! Gotcha!”
I glanced over at Valkyria, who had closed her eyes as if praying for patience. “We mean,” she said, opening her eyes again, “what is it you intend to do with your new… residence and death ray.”
“Yes, that. Exactly,” the Rick said. “Spill it!”
“…Right. Well,” I said to Valkyria. “Like I told you before, I was attending a lecture and Teklin crashed it. I was there with my ah, coworker, Dolly. I sometimes buy gear from her for my work. Anyway, Teklin apparently wanted to kidnap her since she’s a pretty impressive intellect, but his creatures attacked me, which brought on a kind of vendetta revenge deal.”
“What? The bastard!” Rick barked, banging a fist on the table. “How dare he! We’ll put a stop to his evil doing post haste!”
“I already did,” I said.
“Oh.” Rick said, then brightened again. “Fantastic! Good job.”
…Right. I was starting to wonder what he was doing here. I snuck a look at Valkyria, but she wasn’t giving me anything, instead staring at me intently. No help from that corner. And John seemed about as active as a plastic fern. “Well,” I said. “Anyway, that’s the reason for the death ray. It seemed like a good precaution.”
“And the other villainesses who live with you?” Valkyria asked.
“I mentor them. Sort of,” I amended. “They were all looking to learn how to be proper villainesses. Except Dolly, who was looking for protection.”
“And why does she live with you?”
“Well, the sex is pretty good.”
For the first time Valkyria looked startled. Guess she didn’t expect me to be so blunt about my relationship with her. “Is that so?” Valkyria said.
“Well, if you want me to get into more detail…” I began.
“That shouldn’t be necessary,” Valkyria said quickly.
“Indeed! What a man does in his bedroom is his own business,” Rick said, banging a fist firmly on the table. “Why, if people discovered the amount of whips and brands I needed to use each night to get off, they’d be shocked. Shocked I say!”
Well this was going… somewhere. But I wasn’t sure it was a place I liked. “Riiiiight,” I said. “But Psyren and Glacia are there to work with me to learn how to be villains.”
“And these… villainesses both intend to go into your work? Fighting with corporate sponsored heroes?” Valkyria said.
“Of course,” I said. Which was certainly partly true. Maybe. Hopefully. I was pretty sure Glacia was all aboard the whole ‘villainess’ thing, and Psyren said she wanted it. But then again, Psyren also loved attention, so if she was given a better opportunity to get it, I wasn’t sure what she’d do.
“Yet you are a villain,” Valkyria noted.
“I prefer ‘professional antagonist.’” Which was a lie. I’d declare myself a villain anytime – well, any OTHER time. And professional antagonist sounded much better than ‘superhero punching bag.’
“Can you guarantee this?” Valkyria pressed.
“Do you want me to sign an affidavit or something?” I said.
“If you wish, we could provide the form,” John said with that drone of a voice.
I glared at the suit. I was starting to get a headache from all this, which wouldn’t help anyone, but I was really running out of patience. “Look,” I said, leaning forward. “I’ve been doing this work for years now, and I’ve never robbed a bank I wasn’t hired to, hurt a civvie, or brawled with a hero who didn’t start shit with me. I’m a professional, and do a professional job. When a hero doesn’t have aliens to fight, or a Guild villain to face down, or… whatever, sometimes they need something to fill in the encounter. It’s not my fault things are so peaceful these days. If anything, it’s your fault.”
“Hey!” Rick barked, then seemed to think about it. “Oh. Thank you!” he said brightly.
“You’re welcome. Look,” I continued, turning back to Valkyria. “Nothing I’m doing is illegal, and I’m not going to try and take over the world.”
Valkyria hummed. “Perhaps,” she admitted, leafing through some papers. “It seems a shame, though.”
“What does?”
“Your being a villain. Would it not make more sense for you to become a hero?”
I stared at her.
Did I just hear that right?
“Excuse me?” I said.
Valkyria set down the papers she’d been looking through. “If you are, indeed, not becoming a true villain, which I am willing to believe, why be a villain at all? Surely with your powers, you could make a potent hero. The world would surely benefit from your aid.”
“By gum! She’s right!” Rick boomed, striking the table again for emphasis, a spiderweb of cracks splitting the wood from the impact. “That would be excellent! You can even bring your villainesses. Or fight them! Have you ever had sex with your nemesis? It’s incredible! Like hate sex. But even better! Not to mention how good it feels to do good. Come on. Wouldn’t you rather fight for truth? For justice? For the American way! Is it not better to be a man fighting for righteousness rather than for profit?”
I looked between them blankly. Things had taken a very different turn than what I had expected coming in here. “I ah… Wait. Are you… trying to recruit me?”
Valkyria drummed her fingers on the desk as she considered her answer. “We would be willing to see how such an arrangement might work out,” she said at last. “Should you be willing to abide by the Heroes of Earth’s conditions, becoming a hero would not be out of the question. It would hardly be the first time a villain became a hero.”
“That is the gist of our efforts here,” John said, again reminding me he was in the room. “Miss Valkyria seems willing to vouch for you, and if you prove genuine in your efforts, we would be willing to bring you and your… companions into the organization.”
I couldn’t help but gape at the three of them. Were they serious? Not to say I hadn’t been offered a deal like that before. More than a few agents had tried to recruit me to be a hero over the years, but none of them could compare to the sort of heft the Heroes of Earth had.
But serious or not, great deal or not, heft or none, I knew the hero business wasn’t for me. I’d known that since I got my powers.
“Uh… no thanks. I’m good. Look,” I said, standing. “Is that all? I’ve really got other things going on. It was great meeting the two… er, three of you, and I hope I satisfied your questions about my going full villain, but… yeah.”
“I do think-“ Valkyria started.
“Besides,” I cut in quickly. “I’ve got a big job coming up with Razer, and I’d hate to tell Carter that I’d have to turn her down because I went hero for the Heroes of Earth. She’d probably really… really want to talk to you all about that.”
Rick cleared his throat nervously at Carter’s name, and even John looked a little less sure of things. Valkyria, for her part, reluctantly put down her papers. “I suppose we have no other matters to discuss,” she said. “But do consider our offer, Magneron.”
“Yes! The world needs heroes of such strength!” Rick grunted, flexing until his muscles creaked. “Menaces abound every day, and we must have the strength! The might! The will to overcome them! For the greater good!”
John didn’t seem interested, already having opened his briefcase and was putting papers away in it. I noticed a sticker on the lid of the case, reading ‘You Don’t Have to be Crazy to Work Here, But it Helps!’
Yeesh.
“Right,” I said. “Well, looks like you’re well equipped already for that. Thanks again. I remember the way out. Bye!”
I moved away from the table and towards the doors, anxious to get out of there before something else happened.
Which was, of course, when I heard voices babbling outside the room.
I immediately stepped forward, the door hissing open. Outside I found Glacia facing off with several younger heroes, one of whom was Olympia. Oh fucking hell. This was just what I needed.
“What’s going on?” I demanded, moving forward.
“Sir!” Glacia said turning my way. She gave a contemptuous motion towards Olympia and the others. “These… sidekicks were disparaging you.”
“And why not?” Olympia said, looking at me hotly, folding her arms in front of her chest. “Why shouldn’t we talk about a villain and all his crimes?”
“Yeah!” another of the sidekicks said. Youngish guy, probably sixteen. He was dressed in shorts and an open, fuzzy robe like a boxer right before they entered the ring, though he only wore one glove, and it had a big F emblazoned on the front. “Why not?”
What was this? High school amateur hour? I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Glacia? Let’s go.”
“Looks like you’re too much of a pussy for a fight anyway,” the guy with the glove said, sneering.
“Sure, kid.”
“Kid!” he snapped. “Do you even know who I am?”
“Nope,” I said, which was true enough. There were way too many sidekicks for me to keep track of all of them. Plus, lots of them ended up getting killed before making a name for themselves. Who would have guessed bringing fifteen-year-olds to fight psychotic alligator people and alien warlords was a bad idea? I only bothered learning who was who if they survived the first two years. “Come on,” I said to Glacia. “Let’s go.”
“No surprise you keep that bitch around,” glove-boy said.
I stopped. “Excuse me?” I said.
He sneered at me, folding his arms. “You heard me. No surprise a villain keeps a slut like her for some fun times. Probably all she’s good for.”
I turned to face him. “Alright, kid,” I said. “I’ll take you on. And even for free. I guess you can call it charity.”
“Charity!”
“Well! What a great idea. I love it!” Rick boomed as he walked out of the room, instantly drawing the attention of everyone in the hall. “I heartily endorse this contest! You can use our training grounds. It’ll be good experience for our up-and-coming heroes to see what a real villain fights like.”
Glove-boy scoffed. “If you can call him a real villain.”
I sighed. No backing out now.
“Fine,” I said. “Let’s get this over with.”